Comedy Quotes & Jokes / page 489

A lot of the hate mail I get is clearly misogynist. I am a proud liberal, feminist woman, and the hate mail I get about those three things is not about me. It's about those signifers, and about what the right in this country has managed to do to perpetuate anger over what they mean.

I asked the girl if she could bring a sister for me. She did. Sister Maria Teresa. It was a very slow evening. We discussed the New Testament. We agreed that He was very well adjusted for an only child.

Everybody's trying to leave their mark on the world. That's why there's graffiti and babies.

Men don't realize that if were sleeping with them on the first date, were probably not interested in seeing them again either.

I'm trying to appeal to the disenfranchised everybody, not just specifically gay.

Jews don't drink much because it interferes with their suffering.

To get a man's attention, just stand in front of the TV and don't move. He'll talk to you. I promise.

Three has always been tougher than Two. Think of any of your famous threesomes. The Three Stooges? Look at the anger there. My bet is that before Curly was born, Moe and Larry could play together for hours without even a single poke in the eye. Huey, Dewey, and Louie? Donald Duck never had a moment's peace. The Good, the Bad, and the Ugly? I rest my case.

I never met anybody who said when they were a kid, I wanna grow up and be a critic.

I had really good hearing and when you're scared it gets heightened so you hear scratching noises or something.

After seven years of marriage, I'm sure of two things - first, never wallpaper together, and second, you'll need two bathrooms... both for her. The rest is a mystery, but a mystery I love to be involved in.

And that's when I realized, when you're a kid you don't need a costume, you are superman.

I'm a Sagittarian, see, I can't be fenced in. I been living in Las Vegas, greatest city in the world. I look out my window for 100 miles. In Vegas, there's nothing to do but gamble, drink or have sex. I have two of 'em.

Our date-nightrule is no talking about the kids. That lasts about to the end of the driveway.

(On Top Gear’s Richard Hammond.) I wish he had died in that crash and that he had been decapitated and that a jagged piece of metal debris from the car had blinded him.