Comedy Quotes & Jokes / page 489

You know, quite a few species of fish require two or more sexual partners...

I mean if you two were to make love, that would be gay. Two men touching each other physically and emotionally...erotically caressing each other...on the hood of a car...or the back of a movie theater...

Don't have sex man. It leads to kissing and pretty soon you have to start talking to them.

You know "that look" women get when they want sex? Me neither.

The worst thing to call somebody is crazy. It's dismissive.

I am so busy doing nothing... that the idea of doing anything - which as you know, always leads to something - cuts into the nothing and then forces me to have to drop everything.

The past is a ghost, the future a dream, and all we ever have is now.

Cranberry Ale! Cranberry NUT CRUNCH FUCKING ALE! Cranberries and beer do not go together! One's for bladder infections, one's for getting DRUNK!

Do transvestites have to dress up for Halloween or do they pretty much qualify from the get-go?

Never be afraid to laugh at yourself, after all, you could be missing out on the joke of the century.

Be wary of listening to stories secondhand.

Ice-T is so old that the first thing he bought with the money from his album sales was his freedom.

I think comedy is definitely a more male oriented field - social commentary, political commentary - I think it's just easier for men to get up and say whatever they want. But I don't think there's that many women who really want to put their toe in the water either. It's not the easiest life or lifestyle to get out there and kind of shake the shit up.

I deserve someone who likes me for who I am pretending to be.

My grandma. She’s into Scrabble. What’s with grandmas and Scrabble? She loves to play. And her vocabulary is, like, way gooder.