Comedy Quotes & Jokes / page 492

Let's face it; God has a big ego problem. Why do we always have to worship him?

Gay people can't be proud of the country and want to defend it too. What's the army afraid is going to happen if gay people are in it. "Private, shoot that man!" "I can't, he's adorable."

I immediately fire back to them; I write 'sysph.' And they write back and go, 'What does sysph mean?' And I write back, 'Shut your stinking pie hole.'

Called a blind date to set up a meeting at a restaurant. I said, "I'll be the one driving the Mercedes and wearing a Rolex." Never found her, but when I got home my place was robbed.

I used to play bass for a while and got to the point where I was good enough to be in a shitty band.

You rarely hear anyone use the word "pancreas" in a not-horrible context.

A real woman needs quotes by dead men to get through the day.

All my other relationships with men, there was so much maneuvering and strategic decisions and stuff.

I was lucky I wasn't a better boxer, or that's what I'd be now - a punchy ex-pug.

It's lunch time in the Diamond District. All the stores close down and the street is filled with chasidim, who suddenly find themselves caught in Yidlock.

A doctor says to a man "You want to improve your love life? You need to get some exercise. Run ten miles a day." Two weeks later, the man called the doctor. The doctor says "How is your love life since you have been running?" "I don't know, I'm 140 miles away!"

When I asked my mother where babies came from, she thought I said "rabies". She said you get them from being bitten by a dog. The next week, a woman on my block gave birth to triplets… I thought she’d been bitten by a Great Dane.

If you love sleep, you'll really enjoy death.

We've lost a bunch on the road, I don't even know how many. It's a relief to get this one.

My comedy is adult humor, but clean. It’s not campy. I’ve always worked in the mainstream and I’ve never billed myself as a “Christian comedian.” I’m just a comedian who’s a Christian.