Comedy Quotes & Jokes / page 492
That’s why when I talk to younger comics, and they say, ‘Well I need this and this, and I need so and so,’ I tell them they don’t need nothing. All you need is some great idea and go shoot it.
Bill Paley is not only the greatest boss I ever had, but he's the most brilliant, honest and warm human being I've ever met. And I'll say that to his face - even if it costs me my job.
I can't wait to get off the stage, because I've got some LifeSavers in my pocket and pineapple is next!
I do have to say that I think that President Obama is the greatest President in the history of all of our Presidents, and that he can do no wrong in my book. So how's that for prejudice on the Democratic side?
Political discourse has been reduced to "Where's the beef?" "Read my lips," and "Make my day." Where are the assassins when we really need them?
We've lost a bunch on the road, I don't even know how many. It's a relief to get this one.
I always enjoyed Carlin for turning the tables on culture. He is an excellent writer that has endured for decades.
Ever argue with a female and, in the middle of the argument, you no longer feel safe because of her actions? She may start pacing back and forth real fast, breathing out her nose. You know what my girl do? When she get mad, she start talking in the third person. That's scary as hell because that's her way of telling me that from this point on, she is not responsible for none of her actions.
Some women were talking about how I put out. And that's just not that case. I don't put out -- unless I'm asked very, very politely, and that's not putting out, that's just giving in.