Comedy Quotes & Jokes / page 493
When I see guys in bars wearing the real fitted kind of Calvin Klein v-neck t-shirts I just want to go up to them and be like, 'Oh, do you work out? Your tricep looks so great - thank you.'
If man evolved from monkeys and apes, why do we still have monkeys and apes?
I was going to get me a white woman, but O.J. messed it up for everybody. He set interracial dating back a thousand years.
Don't let morons judge you... Do what I do... I moronically judge myself first and get it over with... But on my watch.
The Comedy Store - all three rooms were filled with 800 people in the room. And during that time, all these guys and some women, but mostly guys who weren't funny were doing stand up for a living; they weren't accountants, they were making $30-$50 grand a year on the road, or more.
I'm a Sagittarian, see, I can't be fenced in. I been living in Las Vegas, greatest city in the world. I look out my window for 100 miles. In Vegas, there's nothing to do but gamble, drink or have sex. I have two of 'em.
(On Top Gear’s Richard Hammond.) I wish he had died in that crash and that he had been decapitated and that a jagged piece of metal debris from the car had blinded him.
How the hell do I know why there were Nazis? I don't even know how the can opener works!
Most of the people who came for dancing lessons had Rumba ambitions and minuet bodies.
A doctor gave a man six months to live. The man couldn't pay his bill, so he gave him another six months.
You never think when you're a little girl that you're going to grow up and be the whore. When I was a little girl, I was like, "Oh my god, I'm gonna wait 'til I go to college to lose my virginity." I had all these big dreams. Then the third grade just ended up being such a nutty year.