Comedy Quotes & Jokes / page 493
My mom said the only reason men are alive is for lawn care and vehicle maintenance.
Every day people are straying away from the church and going back to God.
In the last three years of racing I've met as many women fans as men fans, and in NASCAR it's the same thing. My wife loves cars, but the difference is she doesn't have 20 years of understanding the background of them. She basically drives them and uses her gut feelings as to which is best.
There's a big difference between the National Book Awards and the Academy Awards. At the Academy Awards you can feel the greed and envy and ego. Whereas the National Book Awards are in New York.
Is oral sex adultery? Yes! That's the end of the fucking argument. There's nothing to discuss. If curling is an Olympic sport, then oral sex is adultery. And oral sex should be an Olympic sport. I would like to see that. Ice skating, then blowjobs. I certainly would stay through whatever commercials they had. I think oral sex should be an Olympic sport because it's harder than curling ever has been. And if you're any good at it, you deserve a medal.
I feel bad for people who have never been addicted to anything, because they're the real losers. You want to know why? Because they don't know what it's like to really want something -- and then get it again and again and again.
Whether you're black or white, Uzbeki or Jew... you're probably an asshole too.
My son has a big Christmas problem - what do you buy for a father who has everything and you’re using it?
What I never understand about a hangover is, where does the breath come from? You know what I mean? I mean, is someone shitting in your mouth?