Comedy Quotes & Jokes / page 491
The past is a ghost, the future a dream, and all we ever have is now.
Well, if crime fighters fight crime and fire fighters fight fire, what do freedom fighters fight? They never mention that part to us, do they?
In the last three years of racing I've met as many women fans as men fans, and in NASCAR it's the same thing. My wife loves cars, but the difference is she doesn't have 20 years of understanding the background of them. She basically drives them and uses her gut feelings as to which is best.
My mum was crazy. And when you're the child of a mentally ill person you spend your entire life waiting for the other shoe to drop. Living in fear that you also might be mentally ill. And the only way to defeat that fear, is to face it head on. Now, the opposite of fear is not courage. It's faith. You got to have faith that you will never end up like your parents. You also got to have faith that you will kick that crazy Korean kids ass in the day room ping pong show down. That's right, Kim Cho. Bring it on, I got something for you. Okay. Okay. One, nothing. Kim is out of his mind, but he is really good.
Three has always been tougher than Two. Think of any of your famous threesomes. The Three Stooges? Look at the anger there. My bet is that before Curly was born, Moe and Larry could play together for hours without even a single poke in the eye. Huey, Dewey, and Louie? Donald Duck never had a moment's peace. The Good, the Bad, and the Ugly? I rest my case.
I never met anybody who said when they were a kid, I wanna grow up and be a critic.
I had really good hearing and when you're scared it gets heightened so you hear scratching noises or something.
First of all never buy a man a plasma TV until youre married. A lot of men once they have a plasma TV they don't need a girlfriend.
Whether you're black or white, Uzbeki or Jew... you're probably an asshole too.
How the hell do I know why there were Nazis? I don't even know how the can opener works!