Comedy Quotes & Jokes / page 491
What I really need is a woman who loves me for my money but doesn't understand math.
When you do television, there's more to do, and when you do new television, there's a lot more to do, especially when you don't have partner. I miss not having that person.
Adam, who said to Eve, "What do you mean you have nothing to wear?" Never got a dinner!
Show business is my life. When I was a kid I sold insurance, but nobody laughed.
After a while, a joke, if you say it too much, just becomes contrived, or fake-sounding.
Everyone says that looks don't matter, age doesn't matter, money doesn't matter. But I never met a girl yet who has fallen in love with an old ugly man who's broke.
Every day people are straying away from the church and going back to God.
It's tough to stay married. My wife kisses the dog on the lips, yet she won't drink from my glass.
When you're born you get a ticket to the freak show. When you're born in America, you get a front row seat.
I dream of starting a three-man country trio called the Chixie Dicks.
All my friends, all they do is drink and smoke - all they do, all day - but they're sensitive. Like after 9/11, they thought they was patriotic, you know. They telling me what their military strategy was gonna be the next day with a joint in they mouth. 'Yo son, we gonna knock them dudes out. That's my word, son.' I'm like, 'What dudes?' 'Them dudes from Assgan, son!'