Comedy Quotes & Jokes / page 499

You got to dump her buddy. That girl's a prude, you don't want none of that. You want a girl like your Mama.

Tinsel is really snakes' mirrors.

I was the class clown at school, but at home, my family wasn't very funny.

I could blame a lot of my life on alcohol and I don’t. I just know I’m a fucking loser.

Love is like pancreatitis; it starts off slow, then builds in intensity until you become consumed and develop violent cramps.

In France, they're having trouble translating a lot of Internet terms into French. In France the law is you have to use French words. For example, there are no French words for surfing the Web, there aren't any French words for chat session, and there aren't any French words for hacker. Of course, a lot of other words don`t translate to French either: military victory, deodorant...

So my wife said she read this article in a magazine and she said: "You know, maybe you're suffering from premature ejaculation." Yeah, does it look like I'm suffering? Those aren't tears on your belly.

If somebody pisses me off and I understand it ain't personal then I'll go to another place and I'll meditate.

I starred in a Broadway play that was Sidney Poitier's first directing job and the cast was Lou Gossett, Cicely Tyson, Diana Ladd and I played a Jewish kid who offered himself as a slave to two Columbia University students as reparations.

That's where the money is, on the road.

When you're eight years old nothing is your business.

Unfortunately, most college kids these days aren't coming from any place - they seem to ask the same kind of questions over and over again.

I think the audience should take away that it’s okay to be smart, it’s okay to be funny and well-learned. You can be from academia and be funny; you don’t have to be an idiot.

I believe in the institution of marriage, and I intend to keep trying till I get it right.

Oh, get the fuck outta here! Just 'cause I'm a convict, every thin' that comes outta my mouth is a god damn lie?