Comedy Quotes & Jokes / page 499

As a single couple, we are no longer able to hang around with married couples 'cause they cannot be in our presence without getting very annoying. It's always like, 'So, when are you guys getting married? Huh? When are you getting married? When are you guys getting married?!' I dunno, you're married - when are you gonna die? You're already married, death will be next. When are you gonna die?

God is either cruel or incompetent.

I starred in a Broadway play that was Sidney Poitier's first directing job and the cast was Lou Gossett, Cicely Tyson, Diana Ladd and I played a Jewish kid who offered himself as a slave to two Columbia University students as reparations.

That's where the money is, on the road.

The unfairness of life is indicative of trees. I planted twenty trees on the same block. It's so fucking weird. Six became huge. One is giant. And there are some little shitty ones. Same soil. Same water. Same seed. But those little ones just don't grow. I can't explain it.

I had really good hearing and when you're scared it gets heightened so you hear scratching noises or something.

I don't know the key to success, but the key to failure is trying to please everybody.

And that's when I realized, when you're a kid you don't need a costume, you are superman.

When a black person has no electricity, no water, they call it the ghetto. When white people have no electricity and no water, they call it camping.

I wanna go to rehab and compare penises with famous people.

I call my balls the bush twins.

Go through your phone book, call people and ask them to drive you to the airport. The ones who will drive you are your true friends. The rest aren't bad people; they're just acquaintances.

It is said that life begins when the fetus can exist apart from its mother. By this definition, many people in Hollywood are legally dead.

Its probably lower than that, but I doubt very much it's zero, ... It's a large number of Americans dying each year.

Trying to get the talk show, looking back on it, we had to beg a lot of station managers to pick up the show because people thought no one would watch it because I'm openly gay.