Comedy Quotes & Jokes / page 503
It should be a law. Everybody should legally own a gun. In fact, if you're caught outside your house without your gun, you get a ticket. And you get shot in the leg. Just to prove my point.
So I called back, "Ya, I have ten boxes and... no I'm another guy. Ya and they all weigh exactly 22 pounds, and they all have a girth of... three." "Three what?" "Three... girth units."
What's this about rice milk? I didn't even know rice had nipples!
There is a slim difference between putting on a condom and fucking a balloon.
Well, if crime fighters fight crime and fire fighters fight fire, what do freedom fighters fight? They never mention that part to us, do they?
I'm trying to appeal to the disenfranchised everybody, not just specifically gay.
I never met anybody who said when they were a kid, I wanna grow up and be a critic.
Someone called all the newspapers in New York and told them I'd died. I've been told by almost everyone it was an ex-wife - I've had a few so it's hard to pinpoint which one - but who knows for sure?
Some people see things that are and ask, why? Some people dream of things that never were and ask, why not? Some people have to go to work and don't have time for all that.
First of all never buy a man a plasma TV until youre married. A lot of men once they have a plasma TV they don't need a girlfriend.
When we say we want you to get in touch with your feminine side, we really mean you need to touch our clit.