Comedy Quotes & Jokes / page 502
Did you ever look at your watch, and you look away... and you don't know what time it is?
I got myself good this morning too. I did my pushups in the nude; I didn't see the mouse trap.
A doctor gave a man six months to live. The man couldn't pay his bill, so he gave him another six months.
I first met my wife in the tunnel of love. She was digging it at the time.
There comes a point where the disappointments in your life accrue faster than you can find external forces to blame them on.
I just feel like every kid is growing up too fast and they're seeing too much. Everything is about sex, and that's fine for me. I'm not saying I don't like it. But I don't think it should be everywhere, where kids are exposed to everything sexual. Because they have to have some innocence; there's just no innocence left.
I'll probably never have children because I don't believe in touching people for any reason.
Kathy Bates is sexy. It's partly because of her talent, but she's got a great face, and a great laugh.
What if I couldn’t read? I wouldn’t be able to text my friends movie times or even order cheese biscuits from Red Lobster!
What I really need is a woman who loves me for my money but doesn't understand math.
I'm what you'd call ethnically Catholic. Don't believe in God, still hate Rangers...
I never know what I'm going to say as I walk up to the microphone. I try to be in the moment. I try to go deeper into myself. I discover things on stage that I don't discover off stage about me.
Once a year my back will go out and it'll be... it's like a sciatic thing and it's the smallest thing. Like I could be leaning over the sink to brush my teeth in a weird way and it happens.
Ballerinas are always on their toes. Why don't they just get taller ballerinas?