Comedy Quotes & Jokes / page 502
The part that wasn't a jackpot was his baseball mound of red pubic hair that looked like it had literally been attached with a glue gun. I couldn't believe how much there was, and wondered how he had never heard of scissors, or - more appropriate for that kind of growth - hedge trimmers. I didn't understand what porn he was watching to not be aware of the trimming that was happening all across the world among his compatriots. I'm not a finicky person when it comes to pubic hair maintenance and I certainly don't expect men to shave it all off, leaving themselves to look like a hairless cat. That's even creepier then than seeing what Austin had, which could really only be compared to one thing: A clown in a leg lock.
The next time you see a ‘hybrid’ car with a baby seat in it, smash the fucking windows out of that car, fight club style, steal the baby seat, leave a condom where the baby seat was and see if you send a message. 'Cause that's every sanctimonious cunt that thinks that they're part of the solution, when they're exact problem.
I wanna say something about my baby, Aimee. The IRS says I have to; I pay her $20,000 as a writer.
On many young actors that don't give their parents proper credit: I'm still waiting for some actor to win, say, an Oscar... and deliver the following acceptance speech: I would like to thank my parents, first of all, for letting me live.
The senator got so tired on the campaign trail that he started kissing hands and shaking babies.
In a way, comedy is like sex. The more noise you hear, the better you think you're doing.
When I was young, my father had a serious heart attack. He survived, but we lost our house and car. Under the Canadian Medicare system, though, we would have kept the house and car and would have just had to pay the inheritance tax.
Now we live in an amazing, amazing world and it's wasted on the crappiest generation of spoiled idiots.
Sometimes when I do a joke and it doesn’t get a lot of laughs, it kind of feels like I’m doing jazz. That’s kinda cool because jazz is cool, but sometimes jazz sucks… Maybe I’m the Kenny G of comedy.
You can't even go to Heaven if you get killed by Spinach, you can't even go. You don't even know what to tell Jesus. You Just 'You know what Jesus, I did have a salad, I really Did I-- I Didn't know what I was thinking about.
Trust your husband, adore your husband, and get as much as you can in your own name.
I hate when people ask me the time on the street 'cause something happens to me. I just panic. I can't read my watch. When I'm alone, I'm great at reading my watch, but when someone asks me, I just have this anxiety attack, and I just can't make it out... I always end up saying something useless, like, 'It's 20 of 9:40.'