Comedy Quotes & Jokes / page 504

Entrepreneurs with disabilities are overwhelmingly successful.

I was one of the first people to almost actually vomit over hearing the use of the phrase "family values" and I pride myself on never having fallen for the idea that Barbara Bush was sweet and grandmotherly. I met Barbara Bush and, as I expected, she was a tank with eyes, not a nice person at all and why should that blow anybody away?

If only someone would do for cows what Bambi did for deer. Cows have been in films, but they haven't starred. I'm still willing to eat a species that is only a supporting player.

I bought one of those little glass ball things with the snow in it. You know, you turn it upside down then you turn it back and it starts to snow. I bought one, except this has a snow plow that does it in rows.

I woke up my pop in the middle of the night 'cause the boogie man's under my bed. My pop is this big, huge man, nothing can hurt him. I went running into his bedroom like, "Daddy, Daddy, the boogie man's under the bed!" Pop opens one eye, he's like, "Is the boogie man bigger than me?" "Well, no Daddy, he's not." "Well, you got your choice: you can deal with the boogie man or you can deal with me."

Such a politically correct time. I used to do a lot of racial material, but then people would think I was a racist and I'm not - anymore.

If you love sleep, you'll really enjoy death.

I think pimp, therefore I am.

It's got some heart, but it's got hard jokes. I care more about the hard jokes than the heart.

And while we’re at it Sheriff Joe in Arizona, fuck you you fucking puto. How about that? Fuck you. You fat motherfucker. Fuck you. I said I was gonna talk some shit. Fuck you Sheriff Joe, you fucking puto. Fuck you. Fuck you.

I was the class clown at school, but at home, my family wasn't very funny.

They tell me now that SpongeBob is gay. SquarePants is not gay. Tight pants maybe. SpongeBob Hot Pants? You go, girl!

People would walk up to me on the streets. "*indian accent* RUSSELL, RUSSELL, RUSSELLLLLLLL. Your show last night, russell your show last night. TOO good.. TOOOOO good. First Class. A1. Fantastic. The show was fantastic. The show was mind blasting"."You mean mind blowing"."No, no anything can blow your mind, it BLASTED my mind"

San Francisco! City of dreaming spires, people live here... Golden Gate Bridge, ahh the Romans came here.

In a normal family, surprise means presents, cake and a party. My family, surprise means homelessness, abandonment and destruction of private property. Sometimes we have cake. We're not losers.