Comedy Quotes & Jokes / page 504

Ballerinas are always on their toes. Why don't they just get taller ballerinas?

Never comment on a woman's rear end. Never use the words "large" or "size" with "rear end." Never. Avoid the area altogether. Trust me.

Canada is like a loft apartment over a really great party.

Competition is the death of art.

I discovered two very important facts that day - Number one: The springs will pull the hair out of your legs, and Number two: the dog doesn't like to bounce.

The Mayor of Hong Kong, who said "Can't work today. Have American flu." Never got a dinner!

Then people ask me if I'm worried about the effects of global warming on my kids. Well, obviously I love my kids and I want them to live to be a 100. So that's another 1.8 degrees. My kids’ kids? Three point six. I'll just tell them we moved to Phoenix.

And my marriage was perfect when I wasn't famous.

I went up to the camp and Paul had me eat my first oyster I had never had an oyster in my life. And he convinced me to eat one. And it was horrible and it was exciting. And I thought, this will be gross and I'll have a story: I had my first oyster with Paul Newman.

The current tax code is harder to understand than Bob Dylan reading Finnegans Wake in a wind tunnel.

I got a gay roommate. I got ground rules. I’m like, “You got to stay on your side of the shower.” And if he doesn’t, no more back rubs.

Tequila is like acid in a glass.

There's this big pie in show business, and you physically can't eat the whole pie. If you give everybody a slice of pie, you will still have more than enough. The real trick is not to try to get the whole pie, but to keep the biggest slice.

Our Christmas tree was so puny we used orthopedic bulbs.

I have Glocks, .45s, Berettas, Remingtons. I like the marksmanship and the discipline that it takes to be a gun owner. I like the machinery. Being able to take it out and clean it is even more fascinating than having the gun.