Comedy Quotes & Jokes / page 532
In Los Angeles, the big story is that Police Chief Daryl Gates announced his retirement. It'll be sometime next year. Why can't a guy just retire without making a big deal of it?
I mean, she's giving and caring and genuinely concerned about the welfare of others. I can't be with someone like that.
Of all the wonders of nature, a tree in summer is perhaps the most remarkable; with the possible exception of a moose singing Embraceable you in spats.
I grew up watching Letterman, 'Seinfeld,' 'SNL,' and Monty Python movies. But nothing made me want to get into comedy more than when 'Mr. Show' started airing.
Cheating gets easier every time it's done. It's only hard the first time, when one feels the sting of morality and the guilt of betraying someone's trust.
Your parents put a curse on you Someday your kids are going to act just like you.
According to my local hip-hop station everyone has garnish wages, child support, liens and wants to buy or rent rims. Ya Heard!
My father was the kind of guy who'd always say 'Throw out any subject and I got a joke on it.'
Did you hear the new phenomenon that's going on about... letting the boys decide if they want to get circumcised? It's like, OK, it shouldn't be up to the boy. It should be up to the girl, the one that's going to be fucking him in 15 years - that should be her decision.
I don't know how to ground myself without the other actor present.
I was watching Maury Povich the other day. He had these people on who say that they've had near death experiences. Do you ever notice they always say the same thing? 'I remember seeing this really bright, white light.' It's like, of course, you pinhead, it's the paramedic looking in your pupils with a penlight.
...And so we go and I meet his parents. And it's a very strange thing meeting your girlfriend's boyfriend's parents for the first time. Part of you is angry for obvious reasons and part of you still wants to make a good impression. On a side note, they seemed in perfect health.