Comedy Quotes & Jokes / page 532
This is the most exciting place in the world to live. Oh yeah! There are so many ways to die in New York City! Race riots, drive by shootings, subway crashes, construction cranes collapsing on the sidewalks, manhole covers blowing up and asbestos shooting into the sky.
I feel like I am too old to eat jelly. But I am too young to eat prunes. I am between grapes.
The challenge is to keep it fresh. If you're talking about Britney Spears over and over, it's very hard to keep that interesting.
I don't just like sexual double entendres I love them, I stroke them, I milk them, I spank them when they're naughty.
Gay marriage - I am so against it because all my gay friends are out. And if they get married, it will cost me a fortune in gifts.
I keep telling people I’ll make movies until I’m fifty and then I’ll go and do something else. I’m going to be a professional gentleman of leisure.
I'm not saying she's easy, but she's been in so many motel rooms her nickname is 'Gideon.'
I am single, I don't drink. It's kind of hard to get a woman buzzed when you don't drink. You'll be like, "yeah, I'll have a glass of water, you want a shot of Jäger? You want eight of 'em?"
Sometimes when jokes fall flat, you feel so alone. You’re like, “Well, I thought this was funny.” Sometimes you can feel really lonely.
I'm going to pull him in tight next to me so only he and I can hear the conversation. And I'm gonna say to him, "Boy, look at me. You see that little girl right there? She's my only little girl, man. She's my life. So if you have any thoughts about huggin', or kissin', you remember these words: 'I've got no problem going back to prison.'"
In the Bible, God made it rain for 40 days and 40 nights. That's a pretty good summer for us in Wales. That's a hosepipe ban waiting to happen. I was eight before I realised you could take a kagoule off
At some point I stopped stand-up because I didn't have something to say on a nightly basis.
Hip doesn't really come into play anymore as far as I can tell.