Comedy Quotes & Jokes / page 533
Welcome to the Academy Awards - or as it`s known at my house, Passover.
People are tired of this mainstream shit; television and radio is ghastly and the public can smell the corporate meeting. When you watch a show with Simon Cowell, you know no human touch has been near it, that they've carefully engineered the outcome and picked those they're going to humiliate. We live in an age of information glut, but so many people don't question what they're spoon-fed or bother to search for themselves.
In the beginning there was nothing. God said, 'Let there be light!' And there was light. There was still nothing, but you could see it a whole lot better.
It's a real Strad, you know. If it isn't I'm out one hundred and ten dollars. The reason I got it so cheap is that it's one of the few Strads made in Japan.
It's never good to change yourself for someone else. Unless you really suck.
Every day you need to look yourself in the mirror and say, 'Don't be talking to yourself in the mirror today, you're alone in your house.'
I don't know what I'd do if anything ever happened to my girlfriend. But first, I'd probably burn my clothes.
According to my local hip-hop station everyone has garnish wages, child support, liens and wants to buy or rent rims. Ya Heard!
I installed a skylight in my apartment... the people who live above me are furious!
My father was the kind of guy who'd always say 'Throw out any subject and I got a joke on it.'
I don't know how to ground myself without the other actor present.