Comedy Quotes & Jokes / page 533

I can smell bullshit from a mile away but it's so much harder to detect when it's around you all day.

How about we work out a plan at my apartment and dinner should be around. So we can just do both.

I'm going to stay in show business until I'm the last one left.

Ballerinas are always on their toes. Why don't they just get taller ballerinas?

Don't mess with me, man, I'm a lawyer!

It's kind of awkward to eat alone in a restaurant because everybody's looking at me.

I wanted to give the house back to the parents.

What!? You tell people that, I won't get no more black movies?

I wanted to get the guy who works next to me in the office something he really wants, but how do you wrap up a saloon?

I have no problems with buying tampons. I am a fairly modern man. But apparently they're not a "proper" present. "Happy birthday, mum!"

Religion to me is a bureaucracy between man and God that I don't need.

The Republican debate got pretty heated. They spent most of their time arguing over who God called first.

The best thing about living at the water’s edge: You only have assholes on three sides of you, and if they come this way you can hear them splash.

Anyone who would laugh at a recital is probably some sort of lunatic anyway. I mean, only a sick, twisted mind could be that rude and ignorant.

I was an ugly kid. When I was born, after the doctor cut the cord, he hung himself.