Comedy Quotes & Jokes / page 545

One time I saw two geese fighting and I thought, this is a pillow fight, ahead of time.

I think I had an argument with a hypnotist this morning. It makes perfect sense as I have no memory of it.

The Supreme Court ruled that disabled golfer Casey Martin has a legal right to ride in a golf cart between shots at PGA Tour events. Man, the next thing you know, they're going to have some guy carry his clubs around for him.

Some authors write in first person and others write in third person. But I'm writing my book in fifth person, so every sentence starts out with: 'I heard from this guy who told somebody....'

We’re having a traditional Thanksgiving - turkey, mashed potatoes, hat buckles, smallpox, genocide, a blue corn moon, etc.

Here's a tip: Never get drunk while wearing a hooded sweatshirt. You will eventually think there's someone right behind you.

I am also huddling with creative advisers and studying the possibility of calling it The.

I started writing this feature comedy in New York - a Chris Farley vehicle. The script was decent. When I got to LA, I met some new friends in film school and had them read my script and give me notes.

Whenever I meet a doctor, I like to pull them aside and say, "You're a doctor, right? Can you get me some... AIDS medicine?"

To love is to risk not to be loved in return.

I have my own gym. When you do jokes and they sell, you get a gym.

Avoid people who say they know the answer. Keep the company of people who are trying to understand the question.

If I could light my own farts I could fly to the moon or at least Uranus.

I watched the footage of Saddam being executed, and it really made me think…is there nothing on the internet that I won’t masturbate to?

At night, I'll notice a thigh will just start aching. And this arm, and this...