Comedy Quotes & Jokes / page 545
Scientists believe they may have discovered a primitive form of life on Jupiter's moon Europa. That primitive form of life? You guessed it, Frank Stallone.
I don't mind when my horse is left at the post. I don't mind when my horse comes up to me in the stands and asks, "Which way do I go?" But when the horse I bet on is at the $2 window betting on another horse in the same race...
My girlfriend does her nails with white-out. When she's asleep, I go over there and write misspelled words on them.
You don't know what a rough crowd is. If all I have to do is go make people laugh, that's nothing. Let me tell you what a tough crowd is. A tough crowd is going to a morning service and you got six people there and you gotta pat your house payment. That's a tough crowd.
I have no idea why gay men love me, but I would have to assume it's because they know how much I love the gays! Everyone needs a good gay man in their life.
By the time you're eighty years old you've learned everything. You only have to remember it.
I was sitting in the toilet and I was by myself. I was tired of playing with the roller, so I said I'd better write a book.
Just think, if it weren't for marriage, men would go through life thinking they had no faults at all.
If I get to Heaven and God is white, I'd be like, 'I knew it all along. Show me to the hood.' But if I get to Heaven and God is black, that's going to piss me off a little bit. I'd be like, 'Ain't this a bitch? You've been black all along? Ain't you been seeing what the hell's going on down there?'
I'm very much a humanist. I'm very much pro-choice. I'm very much politically correct.
Everyone has the same kind of fears; everyone has the same big problems in the world, which is, like, fear of death and 'I hope horrible things don't happen to my family,' but they do. And I think people laugh at them as this great release.
I realize it is normal to argue. I almost missed World War II watching my parents fight.