Comedy Quotes & Jokes / page 556

On stage and in person, I think I am nice, thoughtful, and empathetic. But for some reason when I'm online, I become super aggressive and unhinged. I should probably get off of Twitter and see a therapist.

If M & M's melt in your mouth, not in your hand, what would they do, say... under your arms?

My mom's always saying really smart things... like, you probably heard this one, 'Why buy the cow when the milk has HPV?' Wish I'd listened to that one.

In the forties, to get a girl you had to be a GI or a jock. In the fifties, to get a girl you had to be Jewish. In the sixties, to get a girl you had to be black. In the seventies, to get a girl you've got to be a girl.

Life's a garden, dig it.

And my friend is black, but I don't know what to call him. So I just call him Jamal Even though his name is Steve.

Why are there interstates in Hawaii?

I set out to be a cross between Lenny Bruce and Robert the Bruce - my main thrust was the body and its functions and malfunctions - the absurdity of the thing.

Nobody really wants to be a stand-up, they want to get on TV.

If you’re worth over $50m you should have to dress like that guy on the Monopoly box. The super-rich shouldn’t get all the benefits of looking like a regular guy.

My career and life are over, and I have nothing to live for.

If you do stories, or material with a lot of tags, or afterthought lines, you’ll probably have to cut those out. In other words, you’ll have to strip-mine your material and “lean” it up for time constraints.

I think religion is bad and drugs are good.

Careers very rarely are a waste of time; jobs usually are.

What shall we call our son so he does not get the shit kicked out of him at school? We shall call him Englebert Humperdink! Yes, that'll work.