Comedy Quotes & Jokes / page 556

If I drive my SUV I’m supporting terrorism. Okay, I’ll take a taxi, Is that better?

The old days were the old days. And they were great days. But now is now.

Alexander Graham Bell’s wife, who said to Alex on their wedding night, "Your three minutes are up." Never got a dinner!

I used to think about Cindy Crawford; now, I think about leaving dishes in the sink overnight without a war breaking out.

Being wealthy when no one else is is like being the only one at the party with a drink.

Don't tell jokes only the band laughs at.

I tend to avoid televisions, politics, and places with velvet ropes.

Some of you are just lying! There's no way you would let your woman freely see your phone.

Well, Howard Stern has been doing his impression of me for years. It doesn't really bother me.

Sometimes people think you’re smart if you question the status quo, if nothing else.

Sex is free fun for poor people.

I feel very uncomfortable when I eat in restaurants. I'm obnoxiously polite with the waiters: 'I just want a tuna sandwich. I'll go get it. You sit here - I'll get it, I'll make it.'

The worst is feeling worthless.

Diamonds are forever, but touching our clit can buy you two or three years.

I broke my arm trying to fold a bed... It wasn't the kind that folds.