Comedy Quotes & Jokes / page 555
Elizabeth Taylor has more chins than the Chinese telephone directory.
The only way I would go back to hosting would be if it were something entirely new. It would prevent me from wanting to host a standard-fare kind of talk show.
Christmas seems to start earlier and earlier every year. Like, this time, it's on December 25th.
My friends drink everywhere. They even drink at the laundromat. I tried drinking at the laundromat, and I thought I was in a submarine, navigating the Sea of White Panties with my Spanish-speaking crew. I was like, “Mrs. Sanchez, set the coordinates to Permanent Press! Give me some quarters and another drink! This place is starting to look like a laundromat.”
I read the New York Times, and if I'm in a different city, I'll skim that paper.
Of all the ways people save time, I think racism is the worst.
I think I did pretty well, considering I started out with nothing but a bunch of blank paper.
Two guys in a gym, one putting on a girdle. One guys says, 'Since when have you been wearing a girdle?' Other guy says, 'Since my wife found it in the glove compartment of our car.'
She goes, 'You just took me bowling to impress me.' 'Well, yes. Another strike for me. Are you ready for my seed yet, or should I move on to juggling?'
Well, there's no credible link between Iraq and al Qaeda. There's no credible link between Iraq and 9/11.
A person asked me, "How do you prepare for the stage?" I told her, "Well, it's like this. You go to diction school. They teach you to fill your mouth with marbles and talk right through the marbles. Each day you take one marble out. When you've lost all your marbles..."
All men like to think that they can do it alone, but a real man knows there's no substitute for support, encouragement, or a pit crew.
At night, I'll notice a thigh will just start aching. And this arm, and this...