Comedy Quotes & Jokes / page 555
I've always thought that if my death was imminent, I would read. When I can't focus on a book, I tend to keep reading the same page. My guess is, I would've read, like the first page of Nicholas Nickleby over and over again.
My friends all got really into that show 'The Deadliest Catch.' But I never watched it 'cause I always just assumed it was about AIDS. It's about crabs. Don't tune in looking for that 'Big AIDS Hour.'
I installed a skylight in my apartment... the people who live above me are furious!
Do you guys think its worse to wear a fedora or kill 15 people?
My dad also survived five divorces, and the women he married cleaned his ass out every time. I used to think my dad got divorced because he wanted new furniture. At one point in my life, all we had left was a wooden box, a 12" black-and-white TV, and a four-man rubber raft for a couch. And yet, I was the coolest kid in third grade. "Mom, can we have a sleepover in Christopher Titus' house? They have a raft in the living room! We can row to breakfast in the morning. I can actually be Captain Crunch!"
My husband and I didn't sign a pre-nuptial agreement. We signed a mutual suicide pact.
I saw this anti-drug commercial that showed a kid smoking pot in his dad`s room with his friend. This kid finds a gun, the gun accidentally goes off and kills his friend. Only in America is the villain in this commercial not guns or bad parenting, but pot.
The only thing I have never done is a Broadway play. I'm not sure I have the discipline necessary to do a Broadway play. I know it holds a fascination for certain actors.
A spontaneous interview feels differently than anything else you see on television.
I recently went to the hardware store and I bought some used paint... it was in a shape of a house.
The judge asked, "What do you plead?" I said, "Insanity, your honour, who in their right mind would park in the passing lane?"