Comedy Quotes & Jokes / page 560
Bush looked straight into the camera and said 'We must preserve the sanctity of marriage!' You know, straight people are doing such a fucking great job.
I'm not worried about the Third World War. That's the Third World's Problem.
This is a 14th century Ming... thing. Made out of Ming by Mr. Ming during the Ming Period. If you don't like Ming, don't touch this one.
I actually wrestled in high school. I was only in one match, and I lost... my virginity.
I may sound like a megalomaniac, but I feel like I'm equipped to become a great, memorable comedian, if I keep working my ass off and staying at the pace I'm at, and I feel a responsibility to do that because of the women who have done it before me, and the ones who need to do it after me.
The only thing I have never done is a Broadway play. I'm not sure I have the discipline necessary to do a Broadway play. I know it holds a fascination for certain actors.
My films are a form of psychoanalysis, except that it is I who am paid, which changes everything.
Back in '93 I saw my first UFC fight and just became enamored by it then.
Adam, who said to our Lord in the Garden of Eden, "I got more ribs - you got more broads?" Never got a dinner!
Fish don't blink. Which is the main eye defence. If you're ever trying to get the eye out of a fish and it blinks... it may be a lion.
Whenever I meet a doctor, I like to pull them aside and say, "You're a doctor, right? Can you get me some... AIDS medicine?"