Comedy Quotes & Jokes / page 560

Most people argue over who's right, not about what the truth is.

"According to Life & Style Weekly, 50 Cent may be working on Lindsay Lohan’s next album. Finally, a match made in rap heaven. He’s a convicted drug dealer who’s been shot nine times, and she spent 84 minutes in prison. This is a big step for Lindsay. The last time Lindsay got near a black guy she ran over his foot.

I realize that I am not a journalist. So anything I say is not important.

Don't let anyone try to tell you who you are. Define yourself.

I never wanted to lose out on an acting job and wonder if I hadn't been trained enough.

Don't tell me how to do my job. I don't come to your workplace and tell you how to sweep up.

My theory about Taylor Swift is that she's a virgin, that everyone breaks up with her because they date her for two weeks and she's like, 'I'm not gonna do it'.

I was being chased by a giant crab. That's not funny.

I'm a joke comic. I tell jokes.

Halftime at the Super Bowl is the best because halftime at the Super Bowl has gotten exponentially worse every year. I use the word 'exponentially' because I was taught it in math class and that was the first sentence I could use it in. 'Exponentially worse' means crappier and crappier and crappier.

It’s like I’m not even camping. This is actually a dog couch, but it’s super comfortable.

What exactly is "viewer discretion"? If viewers had discretion, most television shows would not be on the air.

I did fuck a midget once. It's true. Cos I had the opportunity after a show. How could you not, just one time, just to see.

I don't mind when my horse is left at the post. I don't mind when my horse comes up to me in the stands and asks, "Which way do I go?" But when the horse I bet on is at the $2 window betting on another horse in the same race...

Venus Williams has brought something different to the women’s game – male genitalia.