Comedy Quotes & Jokes / page 561

The world really changed after 9/11, not just in the tragic way, but in every way. So it took me a couple of years to even understand how my art form I could process any of this. When the world changed, eliciting laughter with subjects that were funny to me before 9/11 just didn't seem good enough.

I wanted to kick Bruce in the taint. No one is just one thing. Many things contribute to the whole of a person, and just because vodka accounts for 50 percent of my body weight, that doesn't mean I walk around with a vodka drip, forcing every plant, person, or animal to imbibe. I've always had a disliking for animal trainers, and this guy cemented my theory that people who chaperone animals for a living have never had a girl sit on their face.

Gentlemen, start your egos.

Nobody can ever learn our military's secrets - unless, you know, they happen to have the Discovery Channel. Then, it's pretty easy, just tune in for a few minutes.

Billy Carter, who asked his brother Jimmy, "Do you think you could get me on the Gong Show?" Never got a dinner!

Peter Minuet, who said to the Indians in modern-day Manhattan, "Will you accept a check from a Puerto Rican bank?" Never got a dinner!

But separate a man from his car - that's inhuman.

[about smoke alarms] You burn a bit of toast and it goes *nuts!*

Electricity is really just organized lightning.

My swag is always capital and live in north Virginia.

This is a 14th century Ming... thing. Made out of Ming by Mr. Ming during the Ming Period. If you don't like Ming, don't touch this one.

A Rubik’s cube is equal to a drag queen. It’s really colorful, but I don’t wanna do it.

An offended audience member repeating a comedian's act from memory is worse than, literally, anything.

To make money I picked up work as a busboy, valet parker, skateboard shop employee.

Have you ever noticed how quiet you get when you go in the woods? It's almost like you know that God's there.