Comedy Quotes & Jokes / page 561

I wanted to kick Bruce in the taint. No one is just one thing. Many things contribute to the whole of a person, and just because vodka accounts for 50 percent of my body weight, that doesn't mean I walk around with a vodka drip, forcing every plant, person, or animal to imbibe. I've always had a disliking for animal trainers, and this guy cemented my theory that people who chaperone animals for a living have never had a girl sit on their face.

The transformation has been unbelievable. When I started here, I worked in a place where the Sky Room was on the second floor.

Life.....is a series of dogs.

I quit because I'm so tired of hearing bad news about cigarettes... Even if they discover good news, they don't publicize it - like the fact that smoking seriously reduces the risk of jogging.

My wife and I have five children; the reason we have five children is because we do not want six.

Two babies were born on the same day at the same hospital. They lay there and looked at each other. Their families came and took them away. Eighty years later, by a bizarre coincidence, they lay in the same hospital, on their deathbeds, next to each other. One of them looked at the other and said, 'So, what did you think?'

I hope you slip in a puddle of AIDS and crack your head open

I hope I'm able to relive my future.

You know when it comes to racism, people say: " I don't care if they're black, white, purple, or green." Uh, hold on now: purple or green?! You gotta draw the line somewhere! To hell with purple people! Unless they're suffocating, then help 'em.

I've got a friend whose nickname is "Shagger". You might think that's pretty cool. She doesn't like it.

I do jokes about the specific guys in the steroids scandal. I feel bad for the guys who did steroids and still suck.

When I got into this, I never thought about reviews. I never thought about what people would say about me, I was just a young guy who was excited to become a comedian and an actor, and I just wanted to get to do what I got to do.

Heart disease has changed my eating habits, but I still cook bacon for the smell.

I came from a real tough neighborhood. On my street, the kids take hubcaps… from moving cars.

I like "Willy Wonka and the chocolate factory" because some children deserve to be taken to a chocolate factory and tortured. I like "Dawn of the dead" because you don't normally get to kill all of the zombies hanging out at the mall.