Comedy Quotes & Jokes / page 563
To make money I picked up work as a busboy, valet parker, skateboard shop employee.
The Mars rover Curiosity has sent back images of some odd things on the surface of Mars, and some people think they could be UFOs. Here's my question. If we're on the surface of Mars, aren't we the UFO?
The mistakes that I made I made because I drank too much. I don't think that's going to happen any more. Am I going to make mistakes as a parent? Sadly, every day. I'm looking around for the perfect parent and I haven't seen one yet.
To steal ideas from one person is plagiarism; to steal from many is research.
I think I had an argument with a hypnotist this morning. It makes perfect sense as I have no memory of it.
Republicans are just rich, old, white people - that's all they are. You ever see the Republican National Convention? All white people - six black people: paid actors. James Earl Jones in his most difficult, challenging role! Tune in and attempt to watch him look pleased during a George Bush speech. And Clarence Thomas - as himself.
Comedy, if it's done well, can reflect the mood of a nation. It can be a mirror to who we are, what we believe in, what we are like.
Making you a pioneer only means one thing. You were around at the time.
I chose Journalism by default. I always loved TV, and I had no idea what else to do, so I studied what interested me.
I did fuck a midget once. It's true. Cos I had the opportunity after a show. How could you not, just one time, just to see.
So I rang up a local building firm, I said 'I want a skip outside my house.' He said 'I'm not stopping you.'
Hey , I don't get respect from anyone. Why, American Airlines, they thanked me for flying United.
In New York, Catholic groups have forced an art gallery to shut down an exhibition of a six-foot image of Jesus in chocolate. So, the Archbishop of New York was very upset. He said, “It is appalling to make Jesus out of food! Now, if you’ll excuse me, I have to go bake some communion wafers.”