Comedy Quotes & Jokes / page 563
According to a new poll, 72 percent of pet owners buy their pets a Christmas present. In fact, in Las Vegas, Siegfried gave his cats a chew toy... Roy.
Julius Caesar’s wife, who said to Julius, "We are not naming our son Sid!" Never got a dinner!
The truth is, I had always wanted to be a comedian, but I really didn't have that kind of personality, and it's a terrifying thing to say.
How far can we go? How much can we absorb and still have some peace of mind?
Terrible wars have been fought where millions have died for one idea - freedom. And it seems that something that means so much to so many people would be worth having.
This is a 14th century Ming... thing. Made out of Ming by Mr. Ming during the Ming Period. If you don't like Ming, don't touch this one.
My wife only has sex with me for a purpose. Last night it was to time an egg.
I was in front of an ambulance the other day, and I noticed that the word "ambulance" was spelled in reverse print on the hood of the ambulance. And I thought, "Well, isn't that clever." I look in the rear-view mirror; I can read the word "ambulance" behind me. Of course while you're reading, you don't see where you're going, you crash. You need an ambulance. I think they're trying to drum up some business on the way back from lunch.
Scientists say that Texas and Antarctica were connected at one time. In fact, early Mexicans used to go through Texas to try to sneak into Antarctica.
I once felt bad because I had no shoes, and then I met a man who had no feet. He was wearing an ankle bracelet that kept falling off.
My voice was not heard, the questions were not asked that I wanted to see asked.