Comedy Quotes & Jokes / page 567
I'm convinced that Sanford and Son shows middle-class America a lot of what they need to know.
If you don't want your dog to have bad breath, do what I do: Pour a little Lavoris in the toilet.
Kids need to be educated about sex and sexuality and if they're going to have sex, learn how to protect themselves and not get pregnant.
I had a survey done on my house. 8 out of 10 people said they really rather liked it
A man came up to me on the street and said I used to be messed up out of my mind on drugs but now I'm messed up out of my mind on Jeeesus Chriiist.
We were so poor; the ultimate luxury in our house at the time was ashtrays without advertisements.
Have you ever noticed how quiet you get when you go in the woods? It's almost like you know that God's there.
I’m not an alcoholic. I’m a drunk. Alcoholic got to go to them god damn meetings.
Which is, I'm an optimist that two people can be together to work out their conflicts. And that commitment, I think, might be what love is, because they both grow from their relationship.
C'mon cab driver, enough with the hard braking! I'm trying to make love back here.
Republicans are just rich, old, white people - that's all they are. You ever see the Republican National Convention? All white people - six black people: paid actors. James Earl Jones in his most difficult, challenging role! Tune in and attempt to watch him look pleased during a George Bush speech. And Clarence Thomas - as himself.
Scientists believe they may have discovered a primitive form of life on Jupiter's moon Europa. That primitive form of life? You guessed it, Frank Stallone.
When I'm late it matters, but when everybody else is late it doesn't matter... If that's the rule then just write it down and then I know, you know... I'll read it and I'll write it down on my balls. Right here. Right here on the back of my balls is where I'll write it. On the very back. I'll just lift them and write it nicely.