Comedy Quotes & Jokes / page 567

The worst thing about television is that everybody you see on television is doing something better than what you're doing. You never see anybody on TV just sliding off the front of the sofa, with potato chip crumbs all over their shirt.

I used to be jealous; I'm not jealous anymore. And a miracle happened to me, because if you're jealous, it's a cancer, it's a plague on your spirit, it really is. And I actually cured jealousy in a very weird way -- I cured it with mathematics. And I'm not a math person at all, but I've been with my wife for about seven years, so we have had sex probably, I'd like to think, like, 9 million times or, at least, 1,500. So, the way I figured it, if she goes out and screws some other guy once -- I'm still winning.

I will never understand how a mother can kill her own baby and not get away with it.

I never dated much in high school or college.

A neighbour put his budgerigar in the mincing machine and invented shredded tweet.

I have weird aspirations. Like, I really want to kick a pigeon.

The problem with the gene pool is that there is no lifeguard.

Do you guys think its worse to wear a fedora or kill 15 people?

I think you can use some of those words on TV. But one thing you can't do is throw coffee, I've said it over and over again!

Which is, I'm an optimist that two people can be together to work out their conflicts. And that commitment, I think, might be what love is, because they both grow from their relationship.

I didn’t realize I had any problems until you fucking brought it up.

Life is full of misery, loneliness, and suffering - and it's all over much too soon.

War continues in Iraq. They're calling it Operation Iraqi Freedom. They were going to call it Operation Iraqi Liberation until they realized that spells 'OIL.'

There are battered husbands. Apparently this happens when the woman is real big, the man is very small, and they each drink a quart of whiskey a day.

When I'm late it matters, but when everybody else is late it doesn't matter... If that's the rule then just write it down and then I know, you know... I'll read it and I'll write it down on my balls. Right here. Right here on the back of my balls is where I'll write it. On the very back. I'll just lift them and write it nicely.