Comedy Quotes & Jokes / page 57

Did you ever drink so much of a certain type of alcohol that you get so sick, that you can never drink the same kind of alcohol again? I’ve decided that is how I’m going to quit drinking. One-at-a-time.

So let me do the dishes in our kitchen sink, put you to bed when you've had too much to drink.<br /> Oh, it could be so nice to grow old with you, I wanna grow old with you.

Nothing says holidays, like a cheese log.

I asked my wife to try anal sex. She said, "Sure. You first."

We lay out our lives in a narrative we understand, like a movie, but are you enjoying making it or are you wondering "who's watching my movie".

When girls go wild, they show their tits to people. When women go wild, they kill men and drown their kids in a tub.

Politically correct is the language of cowardice.

Traffic signals in New York are just rough guidelines.

Remember this advice... Never let your mom comb your hair when she's mad at your dad!

Fuck you all and suck my hundred million dollar cock!

Last year my birthday cake looked like a prairie fire.

This guy asked me to go camping on vacation. Camping - that's the dumbest vacation I ever heard of in my life. What, I'm gonna work all year so I can go out and pretend I'm homeless?

I intend to live forever. So far, so good.

Marriage is like a game of chess except the board is flowing water, the pieces are made of smoke and no move you make will have any effect on the outcome.

When you jerk off, you’re saying “Hey, I care about me.”