Comedy Quotes & Jokes / page 573
Whats that star? It's the Death Star. What does it do? It does Death! It does Death buddy! Get out of my way.
So I kept it to myself. Then some of my classmates started to come down to the comedy club, taking a girl out, and they started finding out I was a stand-up comedian.
Here's how hot my wife is: on our first date, she started talking about kids. Christopher Titus: And I still married her.
Ladies and gentlemen, the lower economic and lower middle economic people are not holding their end in this deal. In the neighborhood that most of us grew up in, parenting is not going on.
[No Longer Attractive to Young Girls] I'm just saying, 'Hey, throw me a bone. How about a smile, cute t-shirt? Look at me.' Nothing -- unless it's a turn to their friends to go, 'Hey, why is that weird guy looking at us?'
IRS officials calling you acting like you owe them the money personally! I don’t owe you shit! This is between me and the company!
You know when it comes to racism, people say: " I don't care if they're black, white, purple, or green." Uh, hold on now: purple or green?! You gotta draw the line somewhere! To hell with purple people! Unless they're suffocating, then help 'em.
It definitely has learning a lesson about the way you're living your life. I wouldn't compare our movie to that, but it has a structure where it's about a man who doesn't appreciate all that he has and finds out at the end that life has been great and he has to enjoy that.
I'm really more prolific than most stand-ups. My act changes. I do fold in new experiences, new observations, whatever you want to call it.
When I was a kid, I used to have an imaginary friend. I thought he went everywhere with me. I could talk to him and he could hear me, and he could grant me wishes and stuff too. But then I grew up, and stopped going to church.
She said, “Well, what are you gonna do when these little boys start coming over to the house?” I said, “Oh, I’ll tell you what I’m gonna do. I’m gonna pull the young man in tight next to me so only he and I can hear the conversation. I’m gonna whisper in his ear and I’m gonna say, ‘Boy, look at me. You see that little girl there? That’s my only little girl, man. She’s my life. So if you have any thoughts about hugging or kissing, you remember these words: I got no problem going back to prison.’
The quality of a restaurant's food is inversely proportioned to the amount of fun its staff seems to be having.
I’ve always wanted to be a writer. Always been very creative. I always laughed at things that the rest of my family would sort of get angry, like not understand.
I have a few cavities. I don't like to call them cavities. I like to call them "places to put stuff." Do you know where I can store a pea? Yes, I have some locations available.