Comedy Quotes & Jokes / page 574
To expect life to treat you good is foolish as hoping a bull won't hit you because you are a vegetarian.
I’m not an alcoholic. I’m a drunk. Alcoholic got to go to them god damn meetings.
I mean, I'm not hoping for the apes and the monolith. I'm hoping for controlled chaos to assist us.
The floor is lava! That's the lava game, when you pretend that the floor is lava and you climb up on all the furniture. I see some of you don't get that. I don't care, that's okay. You might have called it something else, but it meant the same thing; you were poor. I'd tell my mom, "I want a Nintendo." and she'd reply "The floor is lava!" "What's wrong with our house? Why can't we afford better carpeting? It's called two jobs, bitch!" That's how I used to talk. I was very street.
Romney's solution for job creation: allow the slave class to employ their fellow slaves!
I hope that nothing ever wussifies me to deny my own personal beliefs. Brainwashed wussies have been taught that standing up for yourself and defending your personal point of view makes you a close-minded hate monger. One must also be respectful of dissenting belief while supporting their own.
My iPod holds 3,000 albums. I own, like, 90 albums. My iPod sits at home, sullen, frustrated, and underused, like a wife who gave up her career and the kids turned out to be shite.
A gypsy girl sent an email to an agony Aunt "I am 12 years old and haven't had sex yet, do you think my brother is queer?"
Nature knew what she was doing when she figured out the penis and the cunt.
I don't want to be known as this goody-two-shoes who can only do comedies where puppies are licking peanut butter off my face.
But to do it professionally is a quantum leap difference and my father had to be persuaded by these kind of Ivy League professors that I should go to the Yale Drama School, another one of the stories in there.
Grew up in a small town where there was only one crazy guy. He didn't even go insane doing anything good, like going to 'Nam or having an extended acid trip. Turns out - legend has it - he just had some bad cheese.
Simon Peter, who embarrassed the other disciples at the Last Supper by asking for seconds." Never got a dinner!