Comedy Quotes & Jokes / page 575
With me, nothing goes right. My psychiatrist said my wife and I should have sex every night. Now, we'll never see each other!
It would be kinda embarrassing trying to explain what an appetizer is to someone from a starving country though. "Yeah the appetizer, that's the food we eat before we have our food...No no you're thinking of dessert, that's food we eat after we have our food."
Listen, I know what I like, and I know you know what I like, because you were trained to know what I like, but I would like to know, what do you like?
Anyone who assesses you or your relationship as disposable is not worthy of your time or tears.
Discovered by the Germans in 1904, they named it San Diego, which, of course, in German means a whale's vagina.
What an orchestra! They just sit there, but their minds are thousands of miles away with their bookies.
I feel bad sometimes because I secretly hope New Orleans gets nailed again.
I bought my mother-in-law a beautiful chair for Christmas, but she won’t let me plug it in.
Whats that star? It's the Death Star. What does it do? It does Death! It does Death buddy! Get out of my way.
Here's how hot my wife is: on our first date, she started talking about kids. Christopher Titus: And I still married her.
I relieve my stress by buying stuff. I'll go to Bass Pro Shops and here's the problem: I'm an impulse buyer. I'll like "Oh, look. I bought a deer feeder." Then I'll think "Oh, man. I gotta get it home." And that drives my wife crazy. 'Cause she's very much a list shopper. Like, she hates it when I get on airplanes. Because the airlines now have this magazine called SkyMall magazine. Oh, that is my crack. I know it's just crap. But it's crap I've gotta have. She got really mad at me when I ordered a digital fly swatter out of that magazine. Well, come on! It keeps track of swats, hits and kills. And the best part is, you could hook it to the internet, and you could see where you rank nationally as a fly swatter.
Some jokes are short and elegant, like a mathematical proof or a midget in a ball-gown.
The simple fact is, you've got to view this war like we've been on a long family car ride. Bush is the father and he's been screaming 'don't make me come back there!' for around 200 miles now and it just reached the point where we had to pull the car over and the bad kid is going to get the spanking of his life.