Comedy Quotes & Jokes / page 576

Whether I or anyone else accepted the concept of alcoholism as a disease didn't matter; what mattered was that when treated as a disease, those who suffered from it were most likely to recover.

[No Longer Attractive to Young Girls] I'm just saying, 'Hey, throw me a bone. How about a smile, cute t-shirt? Look at me.' Nothing -- unless it's a turn to their friends to go, 'Hey, why is that weird guy looking at us?'

I'm really more prolific than most stand-ups. My act changes. I do fold in new experiences, new observations, whatever you want to call it.

I'm doing everything I can to sabotage my career. It's a little thing called "fear of success".

Thirty ways to shape up for summer — number one: eat less; number two: exercise more; number three… What was I talking about? I’m so hungry right now.

We work very, very hard to find that fine line where location is meaningful enough to be interesting to an advertiser but not so intrusive that it interrupts the creative flow of the show.

Kippers : fish that like a lot of sleep.

It's tough, but I try to wait until the second date before I bring up my dead girlfriends.

This I before E stuff would've screwed up Einstein. He's got it wrong twice in his name.

To steal ideas from one person is plagiarism; to steal from many is research.

We spend the first twelve months of our children's lives teaching them to walk and talk and the next twelve telling them to sit down and shut up.

Elizabeth Taylor has more chins than the Chinese telephone directory.

Christmas seems to start earlier and earlier every year. Like, this time, it's on December 25th.

Simon Peter, who embarrassed the other disciples at the Last Supper by asking for seconds." Never got a dinner!

My horse's jockey was hitting the horse. The horse turns around and says "Why are you hitting me, there is nobody behind us!"