Comedy Quotes & Jokes / page 577
I watched the footage of Saddam being executed, and it really made me think…is there nothing on the internet that I won’t masturbate to?
Maybe I'm old-fashioned, but I believe when a woman enters a room, men should stand up - and gay men should stand up at least halfway.
If you don't want your dog to have bad breath, do what I do: Pour a little Lavoris in the toilet.
A comedy club is a place where you work out material, you're trying material.
Cry when you get a Golden Globe. Then you can get an Oscar nomination.
I bought my mother-in-law a beautiful chair for Christmas, but she won’t let me plug it in.
You know what happens when windmills collapse into the sea? A splash.
I relieve my stress by buying stuff. I'll go to Bass Pro Shops and here's the problem: I'm an impulse buyer. I'll like "Oh, look. I bought a deer feeder." Then I'll think "Oh, man. I gotta get it home." And that drives my wife crazy. 'Cause she's very much a list shopper. Like, she hates it when I get on airplanes. Because the airlines now have this magazine called SkyMall magazine. Oh, that is my crack. I know it's just crap. But it's crap I've gotta have. She got really mad at me when I ordered a digital fly swatter out of that magazine. Well, come on! It keeps track of swats, hits and kills. And the best part is, you could hook it to the internet, and you could see where you rank nationally as a fly swatter.
The simple fact is, you've got to view this war like we've been on a long family car ride. Bush is the father and he's been screaming 'don't make me come back there!' for around 200 miles now and it just reached the point where we had to pull the car over and the bad kid is going to get the spanking of his life.
The stream-of-consciousness style is my monkey trick. I sit there, I watch stuff, and cultural references bump into my head.
Boy, is my wife stupid! It takes her an hour and a half to watch 60 minutes. My daughter's no bargain either. In public school she was voted most likely to conceive.
I hope that if I ever disappear, people don't look for me based on the last websites I visited. Kind of an awkward press conference for my parents. "Officer, do you have any leads?" "Well, based on Mr. Finnegan's computer entries, we think he was abducted by Sorority Sluts."
My favorite item that you cannot bring on the plane anymore: brass knuckles. That is adorable. It’s the two thousands, who is walking around with black knuckles. “Be on the lookout for two oldtimey gangsters heading to the gates. They answer to the names Bruiser and Crusher.”