Comedy Quotes & Jokes / page 583

Two men spit in their hands, help each other out, then laugh about it later. Just to be silly.

The most rewarding part about being a dad is just looking at children who didn't exist at some point. The first time you saw them, they were the size of a quarter, in a sonogram, and now they can pour orange juice and yell at each other.

The comics that are just conversing with you up there and drawing on their own life, yeah, I guess so. I guess some do political humor, some do topical humor, but the ones that I like, the ones that are appealing to me, were guys who were just talking to you about their life.

My wife was going through my car one night. She said looking for a map. I know it's bogus. 'Cause every time we drive anywhere, she knows exactly where we're going and has no problem telling me how to get there.

My idea of Christmas, whether old-fashioned or modern, is very simple: loving others. Come to think of it, why do we have to wait for Christmas to do that?

The simple fact is, you've got to view this war like we've been on a long family car ride. Bush is the father and he's been screaming 'don't make me come back there!' for around 200 miles now and it just reached the point where we had to pull the car over and the bad kid is going to get the spanking of his life.

I was walking down the street, something caught my eye... and dragged it fifteen feet.

A kid asked me for advise about getting into entertainment? I said you better know how to be happy being broke!

She said, “Well, what are you gonna do when these little boys start coming over to the house?” I said, “Oh, I’ll tell you what I’m gonna do. I’m gonna pull the young man in tight next to me so only he and I can hear the conversation. I’m gonna whisper in his ear and I’m gonna say, ‘Boy, look at me. You see that little girl there? That’s my only little girl, man. She’s my life. So if you have any thoughts about hugging or kissing, you remember these words: I got no problem going back to prison.’

Democrats are calling Christine O'Donnell 'the Sarah Palin of the East.' Really? She's a loud, emotionally unstable woman from Delaware. That's not Sarah Palin, that's Joe Biden.

I never dated much in high school or college.

Little-known fact: When the stock exchange closes, the guy who comes out on the balcony with that big hammer slams it on the head of the person who lost the most money that day.

A two-pound turkey and a fifty-pound cranberry - that's Thanksgiving dinner at Three-Mile Island.

Uh-oh, Steven called the fuzz! "Bad boys, bad boys... whatcha gonna do?"

I celebrated Thanksgiving in an old-fashioned way. I invited everyone in my neighborhood to my house, we had an enormous feast, and then I killed them and took their land.