Comedy Quotes & Jokes / page 583
You try not to have a favorite when you have sons or kids. Can’t have a favorite. Can’t let them know know if you do. I don’t. I treat my main son and the other two exactly the same way.
They should raise the alcohol age to 60, so at least you'd have something to look forward to at this point.
Here's something else to think about: calling when you say you're going to is the very first brick in the house you are building of love and trust. If he can't lay this one stupid brick down, you ain't never gonna have a house baby, and it's cold outside.
My nosey neighbor called the cops on me for making too much noise during football. Is fluffy gonna have to open up a can whop ass?
For this being the holiday season everyone at the mall is pissed. Time to shop online.
Vegas means comedy, tragedy, happiness and sadness all at the same time.
I realized recently that what I need to find is a woman who love me for my money but doesn’t understand math.
See, I had some drugs and shit right now, I wouldn't give a fuck. But I'd come off stage, and I still wouldn't give a fuck. Then, by the time you're 50, a lotta 'no-givin-a-fuck', you missed part your life.
President Bush and Bill Clinton both agree that cloning is morally wrong. Clinton said that he thinks humans should be made the old-fashioned way - liquored up in a cheap hotel room.
When we talk about values, I think of rationality in solving problems. That’s something I value. Fairness, kindness, generosity, tolerance. When they talk about values, they’re talking about things like going to church, voting for Bush, being loyal to Jesus, praying. These are not values.
I have new ideas every day, and I always want to take on new challenges.
I started acting at the University of Michigan in my sophomore year.
I wanted to be the best that I could be, first for myself, then for an audience. I love to see a smile on somebody's face... If I can tell someone a story that makes them bend over and laugh, that's bigger than anything else.