Comedy Quotes & Jokes / page 584

Is she crazy, like it says on her bracelet, or is she just looking at my sheets? I dunno!

I didn't want to be nobody, and that was the only way I could be somebody was to do stand-up.

My favorite holiday is Co-dependency Day.

The fact they're not there anymore is not a reflection on the actors. It's just that viewers didn't like it. You went, 'What the hell was that?'

A spontaneous interview feels differently than anything else you see on television.

[in imitation of an outraged right-winger] You don't take an active interest in how your country is run for just forty-five years, and look what happens!

And God said: 'Let there be Satan, so people don't blame everything on me. And let there be lawyers, so people don't blame everything on Satan.'

USA Today has come out with a new survey - apparently, three out of every four people make up 75% of the population.

I'm cool with failing so long as I know that there are people around me that love me unconditionally.

I don't care if you think I'm racist. I just want you to think I'm thin.

Julius Caesar’s wife, who said to Julius, "We are not naming our son Sid!" Never got a dinner!

While we're waiting for a cab I'll give you your lesson for today. Don't listen to what your teachers tell ya, you know. Don't pay attention. Just, just see what they look like and that's how you'll know what life is really gonna be like.

Who applies for that job? Who says "I want to work in lost luggage"? You don't have a good day. That's like having a job emptying port-a-potties. You're just going to catch crap all day long.

My beautiful rescue dog, Bella Luna Lewis, has decided to put me up for adoption.

Whether I or anyone else accepted the concept of alcoholism as a disease didn't matter; what mattered was that when treated as a disease, those who suffered from it were most likely to recover.