Comedy Quotes & Jokes / page 582

I performed for the U.S. troops in Guantanamo Bay. And signed autographs for people who've been gone from America for so long they didn't realize that I'm not famous.

It was a hard name having growing up as a child. Some kids would call me names like "Birbiglebug" and "Birbibliography" and "Faggot". Some were more clever than others.

You know when they show someone washing their hair under a waterfall? That's crazy. That would knock you on your butt.

Grew up in a small town where there was only one crazy guy. He didn't even go insane doing anything good, like going to 'Nam or having an extended acid trip. Turns out - legend has it - he just had some bad cheese.

As an actor, you generally want to see the other actor's face.

Here's a picture of me with REM. That's me in the corner.

I used to have a theory actually that, if you've had a good childhood, a good marriage and a little bit of money in the bank, you're going to make a lousy comedian.

I don't consider myself a comic but a performer. A comic tells bad jokes.

The greatest missile in the world is useless... unless it's targeted. A torpedo is adrift unless it has someplace to go. An arrow is pointless unless it hits something. So it's important for kids - for everyone, even if you fail at first - to target something and head in that direction. With all your might.

I am not the boss of my house. I don't know how I lost it. I don't know when I lost it. I don't think I ever had it. But I've seen the boss's job and I don't want it.

Peanuts! What happened to peanuts! Now every buggers allergic to peanuts! It's true, you open a packet of peanuts now, and a bunch of five year olds in a five mile radius slam to the floor, jabbing themselves with fucking adrenaline!

Our grandparents fucking ate anything put in front of them! Your granddad would say "What's for tea, love?" "Tripe!" "Oooooohh! Animal stomach lining for fucking tea, man!" They ate anything, fucking monkey's phlegm, orangutang's bollocks. I dunno I'm just making them up now... chicken's quiff!

I think there’s aliens. I just think they’re smarter than us and that’s why we don’t know they’re here. Like, fish don’t know we’re up here, but we’re certainly snagging them whenever we feel like it.

Don’t blame your failure on haters. If everyone thinks you suck, they’re not haters. They’re right.

Everyone has this sense of togetherness right now. For example, one guy on the subway today, he wanted to share my pants.