Comedy Quotes & Jokes / page 582

My recipe for dealing with anger and frustration: set the kitchen timer for twenty minutes, cry, rant, and rave, and at the sound of the bell, simmer down and go about business as usual.

So hello! I'm good at hello, I'm not very good with goodbye, especially on the phone. I don't know what's happened, every time I say goodbye I sound like a fucking idiot. What is it? You sound like a child, you feel it coming when you're on the phone. It can be a very serious conversation "of course I'll be at the funeral, I loved your father deeply, I'll say a few words. [high pitched] Byeeeeee!" Why am I doing that?

Some people are against porno and I say, “Hey, whatever a man and a woman and another woman with a penis and a midget do to a donkey, that’s their business.”

My favorite holiday is Co-dependency Day.

Everything I tell you is true, but this is factual.

If you want to stop two people from having sex, let them get married.

As an actor, you generally want to see the other actor's face.

I watched Master Class with Lorne Michaels on OWN. How can somebody produce a sketch show and talk for an hour and not say something even slightly amusing, or sarcastic, or ironic, or interesting, or informative? ‘My mission as a producer is to encourage creativity.’ Mission accomplished.

If you eat a lot of spicy food, you can damage your sense of taste. When I was in Mexico last year, I was listening to a lot of Michael Bolton.

USA Today has come out with a new survey - apparently, three out of every four people make up 75% of the population.

I'm cool with failing so long as I know that there are people around me that love me unconditionally.

You might be a redneck if you owe the taxidermist more than your annual income.

The greatest missile in the world is useless... unless it's targeted. A torpedo is adrift unless it has someplace to go. An arrow is pointless unless it hits something. So it's important for kids - for everyone, even if you fail at first - to target something and head in that direction. With all your might.

I think we can all agree that sleeping around is a great way to meet people.

While we're waiting for a cab I'll give you your lesson for today. Don't listen to what your teachers tell ya, you know. Don't pay attention. Just, just see what they look like and that's how you'll know what life is really gonna be like.