Comedy Quotes & Jokes / page 585
I've got a friend whose nickname is "Shagger". You might think that's pretty cool. She doesn't like it.
I started acting at the University of Michigan in my sophomore year.
I wanted to be the best that I could be, first for myself, then for an audience. I love to see a smile on somebody's face... If I can tell someone a story that makes them bend over and laugh, that's bigger than anything else.
I celebrated Thanksgiving in an old-fashioned way. I invited everyone in my neighborhood to my house, we had an enormous feast, and then I killed them and took their land.
Most children threaten at times to run away from home. This is the only thing that keeps some parents going.
If you wanna find out 101 things to do with plums, heh, read your in-flight magazine.
The fact is that you can't have a good relationship with a girl who hasn't settled things with her father.
I'm getting pretty worried. My girlfriend hasn't gotten her period. And she's already 14.
You have to be funny about it and honest about it. You can't leave yourself out of that mix. You have to be honest enough to say, I'm that messed-up one in the family.
I like New York. This is the only city where you actually have to say things like, 'Hey, that's mine. Don't pee on that.'
Socrates said, the unexamined life is not worth living. My dad said, "Booty - mmm mmm."
I don't like to dabble in anything I don't do well. I don't talk politics.
Italian women are some of the most beautiful in the world. This is why the Vatican is in Italy. If a man can walk across Italy and retain his celibacy, he’s got what it takes to be a priest - or an interior decorator.