Comedy Quotes & Jokes / page 586

I am experiencing humiliation… Blood boiling, anger rising up ready to explode, then falling back in on myself in the familiar shower of self loathing.

And God said: 'Let there be Satan, so people don't blame everything on me. And let there be lawyers, so people don't blame everything on Satan.'

Julius Caesar’s wife, who said to Julius, "We are not naming our son Sid!" Never got a dinner!

The role of a comedian is to make the audience laugh, at a minimum of once every fifteen seconds.

Who applies for that job? Who says "I want to work in lost luggage"? You don't have a good day. That's like having a job emptying port-a-potties. You're just going to catch crap all day long.

My beautiful rescue dog, Bella Luna Lewis, has decided to put me up for adoption.

Whether I or anyone else accepted the concept of alcoholism as a disease didn't matter; what mattered was that when treated as a disease, those who suffered from it were most likely to recover.

Why doesn't glue stick to the inside of the bottle?

I'm not going to lie to you fellas, I've been drinking.

Emotionally, the hardest part about living for me is being me.

When I was a kid I did impressions and funny voices a lot. When I was telling a story I would use the voices to make it more entertaining.

A new survey shows that married women are having 40 percent more extramarital sex than 20 years ago. Scientists say that number drops significantly when they subtract your mom.

Nancy Reagan fell down and broke her hair.

A kid asked me for advise about getting into entertainment? I said you better know how to be happy being broke!

Little-known fact: When the stock exchange closes, the guy who comes out on the balcony with that big hammer slams it on the head of the person who lost the most money that day.