Comedy Quotes & Jokes / page 599

If it has to sell its mascot, your team sucks.

You ever get lost with your wife in the car, you're *completely* lost, and they *always* say the same thing! "Oh let's just go home." "WE'RE FUCKING LOST! WHAT DID YOU THROW FUCKIN' BREAD OUT THE WINDOW?"

I got a boy that was married, been married for six years - videotaped his wedding day, never watched it. Six years later, now he watches it every day, but he watches it in reverse. I asked him. He said, 'I love seeing myself take that ring back off her fuckin' finger.'

The higher up I went, the less happy I was.

The American education system couldn't be more badly directed or poorly funded if the Secretary of Education were Ed Wood.

I had a really tough time for a few years. My show was gone. My phone wasn't ringing. There wasn't one job offer. And at that point, I thought I knew for sure that I wouldn't work in Hollywood again.

I like doing new material in LA. It's very challenging.

Culture shock at barber shops cause I ain't hood enough.

Two men spit in their hands, help each other out, then laugh about it later. Just to be silly.

I can tell this isn’t a gay club because he’s not in shape and I don’t recognize the club.

The bile makes it better. I am an information wasting machine - 100s of words a day.

If 'what doesn't kill you makes you stronger,' how do you explain zombies?

Dos tequilas for the table por favor, both of them for the lady.

I told the doctor I broke my leg in two places. He told me to quit going to those places.

When another comedian has a lousy show, I'm the first one to admit it.