Comedy Quotes & Jokes / page 599
Your fans make you. In entertainment, I don’t give a shit what you think you are, you are nothing without fans.
When another comedian has a lousy show, I'm the first one to admit it.
My kids are growing up and it's hard to accept they are their own person and they're independent.
Whenever I walk off the golf course, I thank God that I'm able to tell a joke. I thank God I'm good at something.
America is like the really bad flatmate of the world: 'Oh sorry, did I break all your shit? I d'n't know it was yours. Yeah, I'll replace it sometime... with my stuff.'
Nobody is really qualified to be the president. Basically it's an acting job. You have to act like you're the president. And every four years the country holds a big casting call.
A bikini is like a barbed-wire fence. It protects the property without obstructing the view.
Yeah, I’ve been a little down. Totally natural. I’m getting a divorce, but now I’m ready to pull myself up by some G-strings.
A tank is made to drive and shoot with a turn that spins at 360 degrees. Do you know what that is? That's a drive-by!
Obama says his recreation consists of reading the Constitution... looking for a loophole.
Why would any woman agree to be on a show called Bridezillas? It's not like men would agree to be on Douchegroom.
I always say to women, 'Take advantage of the fact that you're in the minority, don't see it as a disadvantage. You're that much more unique when there's fewer of you.'
Why is pot against the law? It wouldn't be because anyone can grow it, and therefore you can't make a profit off it, would it?
If you can't remember the last time you had sex with a woman, you're either gay, or married.