Comedy Quotes & Jokes / page 61
If you must choose between two evils, pick the one you've never tried before.
The early bird gathers no moss! The rolling stone catches the worm.
Radio DJ's are the same two motherfucking asshole clowns all over the country. I hate radio interviews. 'You didn't know it David, but you're just in time for the Friday Morning Fart Song!' No, sorry, I'm not doing that. Even if it's only fifteen minutes, it's the worst fifteen minutes of your life. I don't care if you've been in a fucking shark attack. If I was in a shark attack, and then they had no anesthetic and they had to heal it up, sew it up, I would be like, 'This sucks,' but then if two DJ's came in and interviewed me I'd fucking shoot myself.
By the way, everything I say is wrong; I'm a complete hypocrite. I've dated girls with boob jobs, breast enlargements, but she was an A cup and that's gross. Get it fixed girls, you're not even a real woman.
Well, I’m an uncle now ... don’t know if I’m a good one. My nephew asked me the difference between a hamster and a gerbil and I told him I thought there was more dark meat on a gerbil.
Politicians have a lot to deal with these days. It's a different world. You know who I feel bad for? Arab Americans who truly want to get into crop dusting. Could be their life long dream, and every time they ask for a pamphlet, all hell breaks loose.
I once tried to commit suicide by jumping off a building... I changed my mind at the last minute, so I just flipped over and landed on my feet. Two little kittens nearby saw what happened and one turns to the other and says, "See, that's how it's done."
My mom looks at my dad and goes, 'Do I look fat in this dress?' And my dad goes, 'Don't be stupid, you look fat in everything.'
Cupcakes are the tattooed brunette chick of the baked goods world.
My mother sent me to psychiatrists since the age of four because she didn't think little boys should be sad. When my brother was born, I stared out the window for days. Can you imagine that?
Peanut allergies. When did the peanut become the most toxic substance known to man? Have you tried going anywhere near a school with peanut butter? Holy shit! They look at you like you slathered it on your cock and went skipping across the playground!
I believe Ronald Reagan can make this country what it once was... a large Arctic region covered with ice.
The easiest job in the world has to be coroner. Surgery on dead people. What's the worst thing that could happen? If everything went wrong, maybe you'd get a pulse.