Comedy Quotes & Jokes / page 611

He tricked me into marrying him. He told me he was pregnant.

The only good thing about the good old days is they're gone.

The second piece of news is something that I would imagine most people have heard about by now. Arrested Development got picked up for a third season.

I’m in shape. Round is a shape.

A kiss is the shortest distance between two.

You know, I have to admit, I saw this robbery coming from a mile away, which is why I put my car keys up my ass.

If God doesn't destroy Hollywood Boulevard, he owes Sodom and Gomorrah an apology.

Haters are my motivators.

I bet in the Arab world all they show of America is Jerry Springer. "Look at the Americans,they fuckin' stupid? He's fucking his cousin! Not like you and me, its different. They do it dirty. They do some other way. Its different. "

So when you do get on, the first class people are already sitting there; they're all sprawled out on their big thrones. "Bring me the head of a pig! And a goblet of something cool and refreshing! Anyone have a fiddle? Amuse me."

America is the only place where people go hunting on a full stomach.

Human beings are the only creatures on earth that allow their children to come back home.

You might be a redneck if your bumper sticker says, "My other car is a combine."

You might be a redneck if you refer to the fifth grade as "my senior year".

Nobody is more truthful when he's acting than De Niro.