Comedy Quotes & Jokes / page 612
It's never good to change yourself for someone else. Unless you really suck.
The position of First Lady has no rules, just precedent, so its evolution has been at a virtual standstill for years. If Martha Washington didn't do it, then no one is sure it should be done.
The other night I was working, some white boy caught me in the hallway, “I’ve seen your show. I love what you do. But you make me feel so guilty. Must everything be race?” <br /> I said, “Yes, everything.”<br /> “Then you must think I’m the devil.”<br /> “No. But you’ll do until the real one gets here.”
My fantasy football team got mixed up in another fantasy and now they're stuck on a pirate ship with a chick in a Catwoman suit.
Obama says his recreation consists of reading the Constitution... looking for a loophole.
I would do a nude scene, sure, if they ever made the movie "Flat Ass Comes to Town!"
There were very few women comics when I started out doing stand-up. But I always saw that as a great advantage.
It's nights like this that drive men like me to women like you for nights like this.
I came from an Italian house. The refrigerator was always full. I never knew you had to buy food. I thought there were food fairies that came at night.
My obstetrician was so dumb that when I gave birth he forgot to cut the cord. For a year that kid followed me everywhere. It was like having a dog on a leash.