Comedy Quotes & Jokes / page 612
Maybe it's true that life begins at fifty. But everything else starts to wear out, fall out, or spread out.
We’re constantly told by campaign groups such as Greenpeace that we must invest more in alternative energies like wind farms. But I’m here to tell you that’s actually a terrible idea. The reason being, it turns out wind has actually been horrifically overfarmed over the last 20 years. And if we keep farming it at this rate, by 2040 there will be no wind whatsoever. And kites will just lie like corpses in parks.
Your husband drinks too much if he says he never drinks alone, but considers the goldfish somebody.
A celebrity is a person who works hard all of their life to become well known, and then wears dark glasses to avoid being recognized.
[on doctors] And they say, they always say the same thing. They say, "Your appointment is at four," and it's never at four! You go down there at four and you have to wait in that waiting room with all the coughers for another bloody hour. You know when that doctor comes out at five and he'll say, "I'll see you now." "No you bloody won't! I've got a few more posters to read yet! Sit the fuck down!"
I've always been opposed to groups. I can't believe the doctrine of group is going to work for every single person within the group.
I was living in a place where I was harming myself. I was irresponsible. I`d lost several apartments. I couldn`t hold a job. I was tired of being a no-good son of a bitch who called himself a man but was just a grown boy.
Personally, when I’m picking friends, I like the ones who don’t make me cry myself to sleep.
I've started to kind of hate people, and it's not because I have anything against them. It's just, I enjoy it. It's recreation.
Is it common for people to become a pothead at 40? Asking for myself.
Sometimes when I’m bored, I like to people watch. And I got to a touristy area and I play this game I just made up. I call it "Lesbian or Midwestern?"