Comedy Quotes & Jokes / page 613
I want to make a revolving door that says 'Pull' on it, just see how obedient people are.
I just told someone they had a "manly-ass jacket." I may have to give up speaking as my primary form of communication.
Married or Single? There is no good choice. It’s like when your doctor says, 'Ointment?' or 'Suppositories'?
Is Heather McDonald your best friend? You better get a new one.
I love being married, it's great, but I hate arguing. I hate fighting. You know what I do now? When we get in an argument, I just take her side against me. It's just easier; it goes quicker. She's like, 'What's wrong with you?' And I'm like, 'I know! Damn it! Argh!' She wins most of them anyway. I might as well be on the winning side occasionally.
Don't do shit you hate... there's another way... quit. Go in Monday and steel a bunch of shit and quit... and steel big shit too.
We had a pregnancy scare… about eight months into the relationship. Well, she had a pregnancy scare. I had a leave-the-state scare. It’s different.
A car alarm is a way for a car to tell everyone that its owner is an asshole.
If you don't know how to meditate at least try to spend some time every day just sitting.
Being black and speaking properly are not mutually exclusive. My father was an African, and he spoke beautifully at home. Nelson Mandela speaks beautifully. Should Mandela put his hat on backwards and say, 'Yo, homey, this is Nelson. Yo, Winnie, yo, this is def'?
I think that sometimes I’ve been a little too nice. I think you have to have a balance. When you’re too nice people take you for granted, they take you for a fool I think.
The whole world is tense. Everybody gets the international news. There's been no American comedy at all that even remotely addresses the subject in any way. My goal isn't to solve the world's problems. My character wasn't even able to do his assignment. But the premise of wanting to find out about somebody - other than the stuff that the CIA will tell you - there's no hope unless we do that.
Get off your ass and do something. Spread your wings and fly. Or, make your friend fly. And, I don't mean, help your friend fly. I mean, force that chubby little non-aerodynamic bastard to freakin' fly.