Comedy Quotes & Jokes / page 639
Tom Cruise's pre-nup lets him keep his money, the kids and Katie Holmes.
Maybe I'm old-fashioned, but I believe when a woman enters a room, men should stand up - and gay men should stand up at least halfway.
When two kids are being completely berserk, and they're naked and throwing food around, sometimes I just let it go because I can see a future where they're going to be dressed, and they're going to be at school. So I kind of let stuff go sometimes.
Ugly people face as much or more discrimination than any fucking minority group.
I'm a quitter. I come from a long line of quitters. It's amazing I'm here at all.
D'you remember that famous fight, George Formby against Muhammad Ali? Ah, it was brilliant. Dyslexic promoter put it on.
These days it's hard to look at a poodle without thinking what a good meal he would make.
Cats only pretend to be domesticated if they think there's a bowl of milk in it for them.
The Smurf village was destroyed weeks ago and Bush has still not made an appearance. George Bush doesn't care about tiny blue people.
People say, 'Well don't you regret not having kids?' And I go, 'No, not really.' And then if they keep asking, I always say this, 'Well, you know, maybe I'll adopt.' But I don't mean that. It's just something I say to make me sound like a nicer person.
Katie Holmes told In Style magazine that Tom’s turned on by the sight of her in a suit and miniskirt. Tom also likes it when Katie wears the monitoring bracelet on her ankle.
I'm hoping in the next 30 years we'll end up in a beautiful world where we'll actually all are not the same but equal.
People tell me there are a lot of guys like me, which doesn't explain why I'm lonely.