Comedy Quotes & Jokes / page 639
We thought I was going to be a great athlete, and we were wrong, and I thought I was going to be a great entertainer, and that wasn't it either. I'm going to be an American Citizen. First class.
The best place in America to get directions, right here in New York City. No matter who you ask, you always get the same directions and you can always understand ‘em.<br /> “Excuse me, could you tell me how to get to 58th & Lexington?”<br /> “What do I look like? An information booth?”
By the way, when you finish the bottle of Crown Royal, you can still use the pouch to hold your broken dreams.
She was so ugly that I took her to a dog show and she won first prize.
My perfect last meal would be: shrimp cocktail, lasagna, steak, creamed spinach, salad with bleu cheese dressing, onion rings, garlic bread, and a dessert of strawberry shortcake.
I would always love to be an athlete, but it's got to be a tough day when you have to hang up those cleats.
Lot, who said to his wife as she was being turned into a pillar of salt, "Stop shaking!" Never got a dinner!
Women should put a picture of their missing husbands on beer cans.
When we were on the bus doing the Mr. Show Hooray for America Tour there was a lot of laughter and a lot of pot smoking and a lot of speed metal listening and video game playing. Of course that was all Brian Posehn.
My life is nothing like the Daddy Day Care life. Me around the house is nothing like the Daddy Day Care dad.
I don't see myself getting married again, but if I do, it will be forever.
I don't respect religon. I don't respect superstitious thinking and that is what religous is.
One of the things that’s funniest about the entertainment industry and comedy is that people go ‘Oh, you’re great, but I don’t know what to do with you.’ The great thing about the Internet is that nobody has to figure out what to do with you. You can figure out what to do with you, and you can say, ‘I made this thing, and I’m going to put it out, and now if people want to come see me and buy things from me they can.’