Comedy Quotes & Jokes / page 640
Every weekend, I would get the drunk driving lecture. Of course, Dad drank and drove all the time. I guess it wasn't a lecture; it was helpful tips from the master.
There was this billy goat at a movie studio who found and ate a can of film. When a nanny asked him how he liked it, he said, "It was all right but I liked the book better."
LL Cool J should be the spokesman for a line of pajamas called Ladies Love Cool Jammies.
I was a somewhat bright child, which led to different sorts of problems. In second grade, I moved up to fourth grade math and reading. There was an option to skip a grade but I was so tiny and microscopic that my mom was, like, 'He has enough now, let's not make his life totally terrible.' I stayed in my grade but alienated everyone by being, like, 'brainiac.'
I'm desperately trying to figure out why Kamikaze pilots wore helmets.
I've seen too many comics who got their own shows and were undone because they worked for an executive producer who didn't understand their comedy or their sensibility.
I haven't been as wild with my money as somebody like me might have been. I've been very safe, very conservative with investments. I don't blow money. I don't have a ton of houses. I know things can go away. I've already had that experience.
Did you ever notice they never take any fat hostages? You never see a guy coming out of Lebanon going: I was held hostage for seven months and I lost 175 pounds, I feel good and I look good and I learned self-discipline. That's the important thing.
Back in '93 I saw my first UFC fight and just became enamored by it then.
I think if I were to get as big as I could get, it does change your mind-state. I think like the little man. I think like the underdog. I don't want to change that.
This is a thing I read by a scientist... it said scientists now say that a man thinks about sex once every 7.3 seconds. Now, I know what I think every 7.3 seconds. It's just a bunch of meaningless gibberish.