Comedy Quotes & Jokes / page 640

If you want to live in 'white world,' if you want to experience the stultifying boredom and penetrating ennui that homogeneity can bring, you can go to Canada any day of the year. It's an entire country named Doug.

I have a dream. Martin Luther King had a dream so big that millions climbed on board. And one man changed a nation forever. Wow. How do you follow a dream that big? I guess you got to start small. You know, baby steps. I have some gum. Anybody can get gum. You feel better now, don't ya?

Whoo! Heidi! Little goat girl, you are kicking the jam. You've got my lederhosen in a situation.

People say, 'Well don't you regret not having kids?' And I go, 'No, not really.' And then if they keep asking, I always say this, 'Well, you know, maybe I'll adopt.' But I don't mean that. It's just something I say to make me sound like a nicer person.

That MySpace is the story of the year. Everyone but my mother is on it.

When you get a certain age pussy is not what it was when you was younger… I only fuck so I have a memory to jerk off to later.

The good things in life are free, except for health care, and electricity.

It's all dangerously true. It'd be nice if something worked out for me, and then I'd have to get material out of that.

Do not worry about avoiding temptation. As you grow older it will avoid you.

Those who learn nothing from history are condemned to rewrite it.

If they have to drag some of you fucking fuckers out of here in body bags, I will be so fucking stoked.

What you find is that most Jewish camps have Indian names, and I think I understand why. First of all, Camp Nagiwa or Camp Apache -- that sounds a lot more fun than Camp Jewy Jew, right? That's just more fun. Also, I think Jews can relate to people who are rounded up and put in places where they didn't want to be.

In the United States economic system you can lose big or you can win big. If you lose you wind up wearing a Hefty bag and sleeping in a doorway. If you win you can have sex with Catherine Zeta Jones when you're seventy-five.

Conservatives want live babies so they can train them to be dead soldiers.

A lot of good love can happen in ten years.