Comedy Quotes & Jokes / page 640

I would write 100 jokes a day. Most of them were terrible. But I just said, 'I'll write more than everybody else, and that's how I'll get better.'

My father and I had dinner tonight and I made a classic Freudian slip. I meant to say, “Could you pass me the salt please?” But it comes out, “You putz, you ruined my childhood.”

How come Superman could stop bullets with his chest, but always ducked when someone threw a gun at him?

Don't sweat the petty things and don't pet the sweaty things.

My earliest childhood memory was watching my parents loosen the wheels on my stoller.

Life is measured by how you lived it, not by the years.

I went to a restaurant, and I saw a guy wearing a leather jacket, eating a hamburger, drinking a glass of milk. I said, "Dude, you are a cow. The metamorphosis is complete. Don't fall asleep or I will tip you over!"

I hate you, but I'm not in hate with you.

Last time I saw a mouth like that, it had a hook in it.

If guns kill people, then pencils misspell words, cars make people drive drunk, and spoons make you fat.

I most resemble Benjamin Button. I evolve. I attach myself to the heartbeat of whatever is going on at that particular time, or I just chart a new path.

It's not rape if she blinks twice for yes.

"Yes" actually means "No" 100% of the time, when the question is "Can I give you some advice?"

I don't have a gun, but if I did, I would shoot a baby deer in the mouth and feel nothing.

I get the first flight out from anywhere I am because I have to come home to my kids.