Comedy Quotes & Jokes / page 641

A lot of good love can happen in ten years.

The United States of America will fare well so long as it has enough water to let it go to waste, both literally and figuratively. And he imagines how someone from an impoverished third-world nation must react to our collective nonchalant wasting of water, or of throwing money into fountains.

We were the guys on the other side. It was hilarious.

The most interesting nerds are the ones who take offense to being called nerds.

For some reason, religious jokes seem as trivial as jokes about food or driving.

I told jokes badly.

I believe entertainment can aspire to be art, and can become art, but if you set out to make art you're an idiot.

If evolution really works, how come mothers only have two hands?

Nancy Reagan, who said to Jerry Zipkin, "What do you wear to a recession?" Never got a dinner!

I'm always very happy to talk to people. I relate to people, and the guy on stage is very much the guy that's off stage. People know when it's fake.

I never viewed money as being 'my money' I always saw it as 'the money.' It's a resource. If it pools up around me then it needs to be flushed back out into the system.

When you're famous, you're always famous. It doesn't go away.

I love watching people get hit in the crotch. But only if they get back up. If their teeth are bleeding, if they're really hurt, if an ambulance has to come, I'm not laughing.

From the minute we're born, boys and girls stare at each other, trying to figure out if they like what they see. Like parade lines, passing each other for mutual inspection. You march, you look. You march, you look. If you're interested, you stop and talk, and if it doesn't work out, you just get back in the parade. You keep marching, and you keep looking.

A conference is a gathering of people who singly can do nothing, but together can decide that nothing can be done.