Comedy Quotes & Jokes / page 649
When we talk about values, I think of rationality in solving problems. That’s something I value. Fairness, kindness, generosity, tolerance. When they talk about values, they’re talking about things like going to church, voting for Bush, being loyal to Jesus, praying. These are not values.
I love talking to the audience, and I must be the luckiest performer in the world. I always land something or somebody that just takes off.
The worst thing about television is that everybody you see on television is doing something better than what you're doing. You never see anybody on TV just sliding off the front of the sofa, with potato chip crumbs all over their shirt.
I’m not trying to brag or make you feel small, but I have a cell phone. Let me explain what that is. You know like if you had a phone in your house, except there’s no ropes attached to it.
Don't you hate when your hand falls asleep and you know it will be up all night.
I'm Drew Carey, and just like the Muppets, I've got someone's hand up my butt.
As a writer, the worst thing you can do is work in an environment of fear of rejection.
Just saw an orthodox Jewish kid do 3 pull-ups on the scaffolding. Shattering the previous record.
You ever notice the first thing someone says when they can't find something is that it was stolen? They say "who stole it?!". It's an ego defense. They can't stand the fact that they might have been stupid enough to have lost something.
Saw myself naked in front of a mirror a couple days ago - that's not the joke, that's what we called the setup. I saw myself naked, and I said, 'Holy cow, I'm 'The White Man.' I've heard a lot of bad things about you, cracka.'
I said to my husband, my boobs have gone, my stomach's gone, say something nice about my legs. He said, "Blue goes with everything."