Comedy Quotes & Jokes / page 660
Self-reliance is the key to a vigorous life. A man must look inward to find his own answers.
Remember Anthrax. They tried to blame that on the Middle Easterners. I knew that wasn’t a Middle Easterners. That’s not how Middle Easterners work… “What, you want me to put the Anthrax in the envelope, put a stamp on the envelope and then mail it? No no no no no. That’s not how I do it. Can I wrap the Anthrax around myself and run into somebody?”
I don't have a gun, but if I did, I would shoot a baby deer in the mouth and feel nothing.
The funniest line in English is "Get it?" When you say that, everyone chortles.
If you have an entry-level position at a fertilizer company, you are literally in the asshole of the shit business.
To be really great, you need to be naturally funny in order to stand out. But you can work at it, and find the best vehicle that you have to communicate what you're saying to people.
What people really want is not to make something funny, but to make something amusing - which, in many ways, is the opposite of funny. To amuse someone is to eliminate discomfort and awkwardness, kind of like a massage for the brain, while to be funny is to point out awkwardness and discomfort. Everyone thinks they want funny, but they really want amusement.
His lack of education is more than compensated for by his keenly developed moral bankruptcy.
I'm pretty hot, right? Very hot, if I may say so myself. Don't you feel the sex I'm radiating?
In any other job, they're truck drivers. In show-biz, they're "Transportation Captains."
A man goes into Boots and says: "Have you got any Viagra?" "Do you have a prescription?" asks the chemist. "No," he replies, "But 'I've got a photograph of the wife."