Comedy Quotes & Jokes / page 661

Follow your passion. Stay true to yourself. Never follow someone else's path unless you're in the woods and you're lost and you see a path. By all means, you should follow that.

For my stand-up, I always have my notebook with me and if something strikes me, I'll write it down.

Folks, I've been straight for seventeen days... Not all in a row.

Thou shalt not covet thy neighbor's wife? Bullshit! You covet his wife, his house, his car, and his pool. You know why? Because he's coveting every inch of your shit, pal!

Worry is a misuse of your imagination.

MTV has turned more young women into whores than poverty.

If I ever saw an amputee getting hanged, I'd probably just start calling out letters.

I don’t care if you’re a brother, a sister a mother or a father: you’re nothing unless you’ve washed your disabled brother’s cock before taking him to a prostitute!

I tried to throw a yo-yo away. It was impossible.

Doctors — they like auto mechanics. You go in get one thing seen, they want to look at other stuff. I went to a doctor for a twisted ankle, came out with diabetes. I was mad as hell.

That looks like something out of the dumpster of planned parenthood.

I don't do drugs. If I want a rush I just stand up when I'm not expecting it.

I'm a good citizen. I'm a good father. I recycle and I masturbate.

The government could take away all the drugs in the world and people would spin around on their lawns until they fell down and saw God.

No, yea. You were ahead of me, until you went shopping… the best I can offer you is back cutsies, and that’s incredibly generous.