Comedy Quotes & Jokes / page 661
I think genitalia is proof that the universe loves women more than men. And I’ll tell you why. Cause if you look at women’s stuff, it’s all kind of gross, but at least it’s all organized. It’s like God made a little package. It’s all tucked in with hospital corners and stuff. And with men it’s like God started to make a bow and the phone rang.
Perception is reality; so being so twisted I have no idea who I ever was which was a really lucky break.
I mean, I do love clever and witty, but I think that the 'Three Stooges' were geniuses. They'd have to be for their appeal to have lasted this long.
Valentine's Day was created by the greeting card industry to get pussy.
I was home alone watching George Bush speak on television. So it was just really the two of us. And as I listened to him, I realized, that one of us... was nuts! And for the first time ever, I went, 'Wow, it's not me!'
Where have I been? I've been on my flying saucer tour. Which means like flying saucers I too have been appearing in small southern towns in front of a handful of hillbillies lately... no one doubts my existence.
I'm thankful for the three ounce Ziploc bag, so that I have somewhere to put my savings.
I think capital punishment works great. Every killer you kill never kills again.
Do not worry about avoiding temptation. As you grow older it will avoid you.
Fans of the comic book are upset that the filmmakers chose to depict Spider-Man's web shooter as organic instead of as a device created by his alter ego, Peter Parker. Fucking nerds!
A bikini is like a barbed-wire fence. It protects the property without obstructing the view.
I thought this election was an adult discussion on how best to protect ourselves in the face of terrorism, but apparently it was a referendum on boys kissing. When homophobia trumps terrorism in America, wow. This country needs to get laid.