Comedy Quotes & Jokes / page 661
As long as you are a tax deduction, you will always be safe in my house.
Someone told me Sean Hayes has agreed to star in the new version of the Three Stooges. The stars are starting to align.
I think that should be the anti - speeding advert it should be footage of Richard Hammond trying to remember his own wedding day.
We've got to the stage where Sparrows and Otters are becoming extinct. I mean the next series of Spring Watch is going to be like Schindler's list. Just all shown in black and white with a little Robins red breast. Bill Oddie smuggling Badgers through Belgium. But the Panda's want to die, the Panda's want to die out and we're forcing them to have sex. Can you imagine that on your death bed some zoo keeper's trying to make you hump someone? I can. It's not all bad extinction is it? I mean it's less stuff to have to learn to teach your kids. "What's that daddy?" Well it's a dog cause there's only dogs left.
Some of my inventions didn’t take off. I invented a url lengthener.
Fame for me is like a place, a country I'm taking a tour through.
Why do some bald guys grow ponytails? It it the same reason people too old to run always wear track shoes and sweat pants?
I would even walk so it wouldn't look like we're together. Here I can hold his hand.
I'd go back, yeah. I don't care, I got a kid, man - I'll sell tampons. I mean, there's no selling-out once you get a kid. I got a kid.
Dick Clark’s wife, who said to Dick on their honeymoon, "That was your third blooper tonight." Never got a dinner!
I feel like having a baby and having a dog are pretty much the same except for the part where your vagina gets ruined.
Women: You can't live with them, and you can't get them to dress up in a skimpy little Nazi costume and beat you with a warm squash or something.
I should have been a country-western singer. After all, I'm older than most western countries.
Over the years, there certainly have been plenty of ideas that I've had and given up on, but for this one, the only thing that was standing in its way was me doing it - I just had to write it... And then if it didn't happen, it didn't happen. But I didn't want it to be for lack of effort on my part, so I had hunch that it would be a good story and that we would work well together. And it certainly worked out that way.