Comedy Quotes & Jokes / page 693
I fainted last night! Luckily I was going to bed at the time so I didn't get hurt.
They call me the confuser. Is he a man...is he a woman...? Ooh, I'm not sure if I mind.
Nothing would make me happier if Peter Falk would finally win his Oscar for this. Not just as the writer but as a fan and a friend. It would be so great.
President Bush gave his first-ever presidential radio address in both English and Spanish. Reaction was mixed, however, as people were trying to figure out which one was which.
Some comics don't like it when people talk during the set, and it does get a little bit annoying after awhile, but I basically let people dictate what jokes I'm going to do.
A committee is a group of people who individually can do nothing, but who, as a group, can meet and decide that nothing can be done.
You watch too much porno, it diminishes your taste for the kind of girls that will actually poon you.
Y'all, I am screaming at my television set: they're spitting cobras, you moron!
When you’re big you don’t need a reason to sweat. You don’t, right? My friends cannot grab a hold of this concept. They come up to me all the time, “Geez! What the hell you do? You jumping rope in the attic?” “Well, I peeled an orange. About an hour ago, what’s up?”
Bring Your Child to Work Day - that's how we got George W. Bush.
In a world of war, pain and suffering, all I want for Christmas is an underwater watch and a silver clutch rod for my dirt bike.
If you have a date tonight, play it safe and leave your heart at home.
Nobody's really happy. We used to be, before the psychologists made everything a syndrome. Or a dis-order. Before then, you weren't obsessive compulsive. You were, clean. You weren't schizophrenic, you were just damned good at impressions. There was no attention deficit disorder. I need a new chair. Are those drapes or a blind. My butt itches. Do we have a TV?