Comedy Quotes & Jokes / page 693

There is almost no marital problem that can't be helped enormously by taking off your clothes.

I came up with my own expression. I like to make it hail. Yeah. That's when you throw change on sluts.

Bush and Cheney have this whole thing where if you talk about America, if you talk about them, then you're anti-American.

What are they not going to do a reality show about… There used to be a time when you would come home and reality was so crappy, you would turn on TV to watch stuff people had made up so you could escape from the crappy reality. Now, you go out and deal with dickheads and morons all day and you come home, and go “I just want to go home so I can watch Dickheads and Morons on TV.”

Boy, I miss the days they made toys that could kill a kid.

You have a ready wit. Tell me when it's ready.

A lot of people are afraid of heights. Not me, I'm afraid of widths.

Did you ever hear of a kid playing accountant - even if they wanted to be one?

The fact that my grown kids like to hang out with me, I mean, it just - I don't think it really can get any better than that, I don't think.

Humor is reason gone mad.

Hopefully the only things off-limits are crummy jokes, but being a standup comedian, I know that's not always the case... You know it when you have to take a shower afterward.

What if God's a woman? Not only am I going to hell, I'll never know why!

I would love to have acidy spit.

I don't write jokes first. I write down topics. I think of what I want to talk about, and then I write the jokes - they don't write me... And even if you don't think it's funny, you won't think it's boring. You might disagree, but you'll listen. And maybe even laugh as you disagree.

I just remember that whenever I got really mad or passionate, like in an argument, people would laugh, and I'd be dead serious. It would happen a lot. So it was like, "Gee, I've got something here."