Comedy Quotes & Jokes / page 693
They say the Universe started with a big bang. I hope everybody stood well back.
Some people hate Jews. Fine, alright it's been done. I mean, that's part of my problem with it. Could you hate somebody new? I'm not giving you any suggestions but the Belgians have had a good run.
Can someone explain to me why pilots feel they need to wake everyone to tell us that we are flying by a cloud that looks like a monkey.
Find me any performer anywhere who isn't egocentric. You'd better believe you're good, or you've got no business being out there.
My therapist says I'm afraid of success. I guess I could understand that, because after all, fulfilling my potential would REALLY cut into my sitting-around time...
They say the sun never sets over the British Empire, but it rises every morning. The sky must get awfully crowded.
Bankruptcy is a legal proceeding in which you put your money in your pants pocket and give your coat to your creditors.
What people really want is not to make something funny, but to make something amusing - which, in many ways, is the opposite of funny. To amuse someone is to eliminate discomfort and awkwardness, kind of like a massage for the brain, while to be funny is to point out awkwardness and discomfort. Everyone thinks they want funny, but they really want amusement.
I cried when I turned 34 for no other reason than 34 sounded old to me at the time.
I can see getting married and having a family, because it is the next thing on the agenda. You can only do this for so long. I'm old, and my friends all have kids. And I'm single, still blow drying my hair!