Comedy Quotes & Jokes / page 692

The last couple of roles I missed out on went to Jennifer Hudson, Jessica Biel and Olivia Wilde.

You have a ready wit. Tell me when it's ready.

I love you like a gay geneticist loves designer genes.

I failed to make the chess team because of my height.

The thing is, whenever I see Hillary Clinton, I feel like I have to vote for her. She makes me feel guilty because I feel like I should vote for her so that she'll feel better about herself because she'd been in such a bad marriage.

Write more thank-you cards, but draw fewer swastikas on them.

I was having a great day until I woke up.

Behind every successful man is a woman, behind her is his wife.

I'm still blow drying my hair, just trying to keep doing stuff that's fun.

Love is like a roll of tape. It's real good for making two things one, but just like that roll of tape, love sometimes breaks off before you were done. Another way that love is similar to tape, that I've noticed is sometimes it's hard to see the end. You search on the roll with your fingernail.

I don't think my wife likes me very much, when I had a heart attack she wrote for an ambulance.

Riches do not delight us so much with their possession, as torment us with their loss.

Never do card tricks for the group you play poker with.

But this Mother fucker here Nigga, This shit right here nigga; This is a love seat Nigga! I can't even sit on this if I ain't in love Nigga! What Kind of shit is that!

Buy a condom, ribbed for her pleasure. Turn it inside out, now it's ribbed for your pleasure.