Comedy Quotes & Jokes / page 692
I trip off it. You know what's interesting about the makeup is when you get up close and you know he's been working on your face and you see where the makeup starts and it stops and how seamless it is. You could look at it for hours.
Labour day is a great American holiday that people celebrate by going out and buying products made in China.
Bring Your Child to Work Day - that's how we got George W. Bush.
One of the first things I said when I signed on for the show was "No hugs!" Full House was all based on hugs.
There's a store in my neighborhood called Futon World. I like that name, 'Futon World.' Makes me think of a magical place that gets less and less comfortable over time.
If your name is 'Christina' and you spell it 'Xtina', there’s a 99% chance you've given your stepdad a blowjob.
He could dismiss several schools of philosophy by shifting slightly in his chair or toting his whisky glass.
If you are going through an emotional nightmare be grateful that it is only a nightmare.
Look, we're both snake oil salesman to a certain extent, but we do label the show as snake oil here. Isn't there a problem selling snake oil as vitamin tonic?
I used to do a lot of drugs. I didn't stop because I didn't enjoy them; I stopped because I couldn't handle the commitment.
When I was in Africa, this voice came to me and said, "Richard, what do you see?" I said, "I see all types of people." The voice said, "But do you see any niggers?" I said, "No." It said, "Do you know why? 'Cause there aren't any."
If you really think there's a Santa, why don't you sit on the front steps all night in the freezing cold and see if he climbs down any chimneys tonight. Good luck. And since we're a family that isn't lucky enough to have a chimney, how would Santa get into our house? Does he bring a locksmith with him? And it probably would have to be a Jewish locksmith, because a Christian locksmith is going to want to be home with his family. And how many Jewish locksmiths are there? None.