Comedy Quotes & Jokes / page 694

Behind every successful man is a woman, behind her is his wife.

Humor is reason gone mad.

Give me the bottle, I’ll chug two thirds, ‘cause you bitches know fractions speak louder than words.

I'm not a liberal, I'm a radical!

I deal only in facts, that's why I'm a cocky fucking bastard.

My God. We've had cloning in the South for years. It's called cousins.

I have zero doubt that if Dick Cheney was not in power, people wouldn’t be dying needlessly tomorrow... I’m just saying if he did die, other people, more people would live. That’s a fact.

I live in a predominantly anxious section of town.

The only thing worse than dating a single mom is dating a single mom that won't put out.

The color red is associated with romance and blood, but not at the same time.

Imagine if birds were tickled by feathers.

That's the formaldehyde. That's why Granny's so well-preserved.

Nothing would make me happier if Peter Falk would finally win his Oscar for this. Not just as the writer but as a fan and a friend. It would be so great.

You're going to the cemetery with your toothbrush. How Egyptian.

If it doesn't know what to charge you for nosebleed seats, your team sucks.