Comedy Quotes & Jokes / page 694

You shouldn't be eating anything that takes six minutes to microwave.

The color red is associated with romance and blood, but not at the same time.

Some of those heckling parts are just great on their own plus they happened at that moment so we had to include it.

You never know when you'll come upon something and it's going to be fodder for new material.

Sin is in, and so we begin...

Not everyone likes sports. Gandhi and Malcolm X come to mind.

Why women don't blink during foreplay... not enough time.

There's a thin line between to laugh with and to laugh at.

I was like, “I’m on my way to the liquor store. Are you inspired?”

Why do we always have the wrong number? You might have the wrong fucking house!

Headphone aren't big enough these days. Why not just throw a couple of stereo speakers in a full face motorcycle helmet.

Guys who talk about their ex-girlfriend are like girls who talk about their farts.

Yale men do not like to be told anything by people who didn't go to Yale. The closest I came to Yale was once I had one of their padlocks.

“I’m in a relationship at the moment…sorry girls…it’s going to have to be your place.”

People get successful and they start saying, 'Well of course I am! I was chosen! I'm special!' No, you're not.