Comedy Quotes & Jokes / page 695

If it doesn't know what to charge you for nosebleed seats, your team sucks.

Not everyone likes sports. Gandhi and Malcolm X come to mind.

You might be a redneck if you've ever filled your deer tag on the golf course.

When you're famous, you're always famous. It doesn't go away.

I think I've far exceeded what I ever thought I could possibly do. I'm almost shocked that I'm still around after all of these years... and always grateful that I get another turn to do something.

Some comics don't like it when people talk during the set, and it does get a little bit annoying after awhile, but I basically let people dictate what jokes I'm going to do.

I've come to realize that making it your life's work to be different than your parents is not only hard to do, it's a dumb idea. Not everything we found fault with was necessarily wrong; we were right, for example, to resent, as kids, being told when to go to bed. We'd be equally wrong, as parents, to let our kids stay up all night. To throw out all the tools of parenting just because our parents used them would be like making yourself speak English without using ten letters of the alphabet; it's hard to do.

It’s amazing how fast later comes when you buy now!

I thought, "I'm gonna try that at my house!" Well apparently, bologna and string cheese is not a real big turn on to a blindfolded woman.

Where the fuck do I live? That is a pantry.

When you’re big you don’t need a reason to sweat. You don’t, right? My friends cannot grab a hold of this concept. They come up to me all the time, “Geez! What the hell you do? You jumping rope in the attic?” “Well, I peeled an orange. About an hour ago, what’s up?”

In a world of war, pain and suffering, all I want for Christmas is an underwater watch and a silver clutch rod for my dirt bike.

If you have a date tonight, play it safe and leave your heart at home.

Nobody's really happy. We used to be, before the psychologists made everything a syndrome. Or a dis-order. Before then, you weren't obsessive compulsive. You were, clean. You weren't schizophrenic, you were just damned good at impressions. There was no attention deficit disorder. I need a new chair. Are those drapes or a blind. My butt itches. Do we have a TV?

They don’t tend to feature the kind of vaginas I like in adult films. I tend to like a thick, heavy pussy - the kind of pussy that looks like it just smoked an exploding cartoon cigar.