Comedy Quotes & Jokes / page 695

Blood doesn't make you family. Hell, an only child can bleed. It's the sharing of pain that makes you family. 'Cause, you can't really love a brother or sister until you know that they're as scarred and broken as you are. And, hey, if you grow up with a father like mine and you aren't at least a little scarred and broken, well then, that's not your father. You were spawned by an entirely different guy.

I love Oprah but she thinks she’s Jesus. And when she gets a papercut, she’s like, “Oh, Stigmata.”<br /> “No, Oprah, it’s not stigmata.”<br /> “But, I…”<br /> “Get off the cross and do your show.”

That field goal attempt was so far to the left it nearly decapitated Lyndon LaRouche.

I got my first laugh when my mother entered me in a baby contest.

I got mugged about six months ago. The oddest thing about the entire situation, though, was that I wasn't afraid, which is strange because basically I experience my life through two primary emotions: fear and suppressed fear.

Imitation is the sincerest form of television.

Don't you DARE use party as a verb in my shop

It's very stressful living in London. There was a rapper in London, one of these rappers that they have now. You've seen them, er... On adverts and things, and, um, his name was Ironik, I R O N I K was how he'd spelt it. And last November, Ironik, he went on the tweets. He was a tweeter and, er, one Saturday last November, he twatted, which is the, er, The past tense of tweet. One Saturday last November, Ironik twatted that he'd bought a new diamond necklace, and he twatted that he was on his way to Southend to do a gig, and then he twatted that he was on his way back to London, and then he got mugged outside his house. And now Ironik understands the meaning if not the spelling of his name.

I don't like the saying keep your friends close and enemies closer. I want my enemy on a different planet.

I like the night life, I like to boogy.

Catholic - which I was until I reached the age of reason.

The Post Office is very careful nowadays. When they get a package marked “Fragile,” they throw it underhand.

Look, I'm not going to put pressure on the boy. If he's good... Great. If he's bad... If he quits, he's dead.

I was home alone watching George Bush speak on television. So it was just really the two of us. And as I listened to him, I realized, that one of us... was nuts! And for the first time ever, I went, 'Wow, it's not me!'

The funniest line in English is "Get it?" When you say that, everyone chortles.