Comedy Quotes & Jokes / page 699

You know you're getting old when you stoop to tie your shoelaces and wonder what else you could do while you're down there.

(On actress Emma Watson.) She didn’t want to be my friend at school. She’ll probably be in a queue of people who are after me. We found some socks with her name tag in so we whacked them on eBay. We thought, ‘She’s doing well for herself, let’s make some money.’ I can’t recall what we got for the socks but it wasn’t over a fiver.

Things that would change the atmosphere at a party : I hope no - one is allergic to nuts .... because I like to rest mine on the table / Help yourselves to Nibbles .... he was our favourite hamster but its what he would have wanted.

What's the problem with just smoking a joint, eating a couple of twinkies, and going to sleep, was that a problem?

MTV has turned more young women into whores than poverty.

You might be a redneck if the UFO hotline limits you to one call a day.

Comedy may be big business but it isn't pretty.

You turn hotdogs with tongs. Don't you ever use those tongs on a hamburger.

Feminism is doomed to failure because it is based on an attempt to repeal and restructure human nature.

Come on now! You kick out the gooks, the next thing you know, you have to kick out the chinks, the spicks, the spooks, the kikes and all that's going to be left is a couple of brain-dead rednecks.

Everyone carries around his own monsters.

You might be a redneck if you've ever filled your deer tag on the golf course.

I don't sit down with a goal of writing. I read books or magazines. I watch TV. I go to the doctor. I get on airplanes. I live a normal life and sometimes I'll notice something or read things or experience things.

In what other business can a guy my age drink martinis, smoke cigars and sing? I think all people who retire ought to go into show business. I've been retired all my life.

I'm for human lib, the liberation of all people, not just black people or female people or gay people.