Comedy Quotes & Jokes / page 699
At the factory, I deal with ex-cons, substance abusers, and sexual harassers. And I'm not just talking about my mom.
Because I am a fuckin' genius... according to my gynecologist, who said "That clitoris is gigantic."
Some guys shave it up. Um, Dave Coulier from Full House shaves his balls. Tell you friends, tell everybody. Tell the world. Tell the world. Joey shaves his balls. I've said it. On television.
I didn't know my Dad - he moved out early. And my mom's politics were kind of hardscrabble. She didn't think about Democrats or Republicans. She thought about who made sense. I've been both in my life.
A man is hit by a car while crossing a Beverly Hills street. A woman rushes to him and cradles his head in her lap, asking, Are you comfortable? The man answers, I make a nice living.
I'd love to be a woman for one day of my life... God... I would be drunk with power.
Something about New York, man: You can do more comedy there probably than you can anywhere in the world. If you're interested in being funny, New York is the place to go.
I can picture in my mind a world without war, a world without hate. And I can picture us attacking that world, because they’d never expect it.
It is pretty crazy living with a physical disability. I have to deal with people in weird ways. I was walking down the street and this woman walks up to me and she goes, “You know, I think it’s so inspirational that you’re out.”
I got mugged about six months ago. The oddest thing about the entire situation, though, was that I wasn't afraid, which is strange because basically I experience my life through two primary emotions: fear and suppressed fear.
You got to control your own destiny. You got to keep writin different stuff. Keep switchin up and never do the same thin too many times.