Comedy Quotes & Jokes / page 699
My grandpa didn't believe in hugging and kissing, or saying "I love you." His love had to do with the way he treated you. When he said, "We're going here, we're going there," he was telling me about life. That was his love for me. My love for him was listening to what he said, keeping out of trouble, doing right, being fair.
I get on stage and talk about different stuff in my life and what I’ve been through and what I think about the world. It’s picking out highlights of things and how I became who I am and how my daddy raised me.
Last week I was walking by a cemetery, two guys came after me with shovels. It was all about money.
Think about everything you read and everything you see. The one thing we can learn from all the horrible things that have happened in the last 15-20 years is that hysteria is the last thing we need. Cool thinking, pragmatism, and analytical thought are most important at this point.
My whole life is a movie. It's just that there are no dissolves. I have to live every agonizing moment of it. My life needs editing.
Private companies have a lot of capital. They can run things efficiently and get projects built.
In all seriousness, do rappers really speak to the women in their life like that?
I'm still blow drying my hair, just trying to keep doing stuff that's fun.
I talk a lot about women in my act, 'cause let's face it - if I was hungry, I would talk about food.
I've started looking at my own father a bit funny. He assures me, though, that I really am the son of a Scottish postman.
I don't think my comedy is that political. It's more social. But whatever. When you make comedy and you do stand-up, you work alone. Movies have to go under so much scrutiny. A stand-up special is a vision, and a movie is a consensus in a lot of ways.
Recently, I turned 60 and even more recently I turned 62, that was a Bastard, I don’t even remember the 61.
I am a professional transvestite, so I can run about in heels and not fall over. Cause if a woman falls over wearing heels, that’s embarrassing. But if a bloke falls over wearing heels, you have to kill yourself. It’s the end of your life.