Comedy Quotes & Jokes / page 700
I didn't know my Dad - he moved out early. And my mom's politics were kind of hardscrabble. She didn't think about Democrats or Republicans. She thought about who made sense. I've been both in my life.
Come on now! You kick out the gooks, the next thing you know, you have to kick out the chinks, the spicks, the spooks, the kikes and all that's going to be left is a couple of brain-dead rednecks.
I can picture in my mind a world without war, a world without hate. And I can picture us attacking that world, because they’d never expect it.
Cheap liquor is a magic potion that can turn you into a puppet cowboy before it kills you.
I always loved comedy, but I never knew it was something you could learn to do. I always thought that some people are born comedians, just like some people are born dentists.
In what other business can a guy my age drink martinis, smoke cigars and sing? I think all people who retire ought to go into show business. I've been retired all my life.
My wife goes "that's not a bicycle, Rembrandt!" And I go "well, it ain't a monkey wearing glasses, Helen Keller!"
Would you believe I once entered a beauty contest? I not only came in last, I got 361 get well cards.
If I wore a peek-a-boo dress, it would be like turning in a false alarm.
If Iraq's weapons are weapons of mass destruction, surely ours are weapons of growth and nurturing.
I asked my wife, "last night, were you faking it?" She said, "No, I was really sleeping."
I was in a lot of plays. We had a weird drama teacher in that he was incredibly enthusiastic about a high school drama program and would talk to all the kids for hours. He ended up marrying one of the kids, but that's neither here nor there.