Comedy Quotes & Jokes / page 700
I think one of the most groundbreaking inventions of all time is the jackhammer.
I was walking through the park... plucking out nose hairs. Oh, those sleeping winos hate that.
The truth is I feel bad about calling you a whore. I don't know anything about your personal life; my judgment was based on nothing more than a general whorish vibe you give off.<br /> <br /> You look like you'd screw any squirrel that came your way. You look like you'd even screw the knothole in that tree where you live. But this is all speculation on my part, based on nothing more than your aforementioned whorish vibe and sleazy demeanor. Maybe I'm wrong about you. If so, I apologize.<br /> <br /> But I really don't think I am.
I've had so much plastic surgery, when I die they will donate my body to Tupperware.
Japan is the perfect example of make plans, and watch God laugh.
So I went to buy a watch, and the man in the shop said "Analogue." I said "No, just a watch."
Last week I saw my psychiatrist. I told him, "Doc, I keep thinking I'm a dog." He told me to get off his couch.
I got screwed when my parents passed away. They left me their unfinished business.
Dave Rath is recovering. A month ago he had hip pocket replacement surgery.
The saddest day in Pixar history was when some guy said ‘get Larry the Cable Guy on the phone.
Saw myself naked in front of a mirror a couple days ago - that's not the joke, that's what we called the setup. I saw myself naked, and I said, 'Holy cow, I'm 'The White Man.' I've heard a lot of bad things about you, cracka.'
We show-ed a lot of intensity on defense early. But we missed one of our point guards who is the spark for our defense.
Ratings experts say the best way to get people to watch during sweeps is to leave the audience with a question that won’t be answered until the next time the show is on. You know, like "Who shot J.R.?" I like to think I do this every night - the question is, "Is this show still on?"