Comedy Quotes & Jokes / page 704

I love chicken. I would eat chicken fingers on Thanksgiving if it were socially acceptable.

Shake that ass while I throw money that I made selling crack!

Dogs: the best friend you will ever have that pees on your couch and stays your friend.

Why do we need another station where everyone has a gun? We already have BET.

Smartness runs in my family. When I went to school I was so smart my teacher was in my class for five years.

You might be a redneck if you've ever taken an RV to a drive-in movie.

I'm a very tolerant man, except when it comes to holding a grudge.

Why are people getting on elevators shocked to find people getting off elevators?

If you don’t want gays in the military, make the uniforms ugly.

Anybody see 'Cop Land'? I went to go see it, but I got stoned in the parking lot. And then on the way in, I read the marquee, and I got paranoid and went home.

A committee is a group of people who individually can do nothing, but who, as a group, can meet and decide that nothing can be done.

Any boob can run a day-care centre but it takes a family to raise some kids and that's what we're going to be from now on, a family.

"This is your brain." I've seen a lot of weird shit on drugs. I have never ever ever ever EVER looked at a fucking egg and thought it was a brain.

You don't pay taxes - they take taxes.

If you are a black woman, you get two history months in a row.