Comedy Quotes & Jokes / page 704
I think people are as individual as snowflakes, they kinda look alike but no two are the exactly the same, and all classification is the root of prejudice.
He's just always positive. He's always smiling and he's always trying.
The soldiers kill suicide bombers. Think about that. When a guys whole thing in life is to kill himself and you get there first... you are halling ass my friends.
I lived in LA for almost nine years and if I never went back there again it would be fine.
I guess the lesson to be learned from the church is that while homosexuality is a sin against God, molestation and rape, well... they're just sins against a child.
So hello! I'm good at hello, I'm not very good with goodbye, especially on the phone. I don't know what's happened, every time I say goodbye I sound like a fucking idiot. What is it? You sound like a child, you feel it coming when you're on the phone. It can be a very serious conversation "of course I'll be at the funeral, I loved your father deeply, I'll say a few words. [high pitched] Byeeeeee!" Why am I doing that?
I don't think my wife likes me very much, when I had a heart attack she wrote for an ambulance.
Riches do not delight us so much with their possession, as torment us with their loss.
Although it is generally known, I think it's about time to announce that I was born at a very early age.
I want to be cremated. Then I want to you to take the ashes, I want you to put them in a douche bottle, find a hooker, and run me through one more time. On my children, I did not write that. I am repeating it.
If laughter is the best medicine, I promise to continue to make you laugh as my wife and I work together with the National Kidney Foundation to save lives.
When a man is driving in a car and looks out the window and notices a woman with a great body, as he strains to check her face out, how does she know to keep turning so the back of her head is always toward him?
Ratings experts say the best way to get people to watch during sweeps is to leave the audience with a question that won’t be answered until the next time the show is on. You know, like "Who shot J.R.?" I like to think I do this every night - the question is, "Is this show still on?"