Comedy Quotes & Jokes / page 704

I'm not a liberal, I'm a radical!

It's just such a gross business. I see why people get eaten from the inside out. Even when it's going well it's hard to deal with.

You know those shows where people call in and vote on different issues? Did you ever notice there's always like 18% that say "I don't know." It costs 90 cents to call up and vote and they're voting "I don't know." Honey, I feel very strongly about this. Give me the phone. (Says into phone) "I DON'T KNOW!" (Hangs up looking proud.) Sometimes you have to stand up for what you believe you're not sure about." This guy probably calls up phone sex girls for $2.95 to say, "I'm not in the mood."

Although it is generally known, I think it's about time to announce that I was born at a very early age.

With my complexion I don't tan, I stroke.

We have so many people in the camp that it's difficult for everybody to find a porta-potty. With 90,000 people at a game, you can imagine 10,000 standing in line.

If your pussy was so good, you would drive a better car.

You might be a redneck if on your first date you had to ask your Dad to borrow the keys to the tractor.

You can catch more flies with honey than you can with vinegar, but either way you've got flies.

I pride myself on being the guy who can do Def Comedy Jam and Charlie Rose. And do well on both.

Shake that ass while I throw money that I made selling crack!

I've got a three year-old and he wants to rollerblade and he said, "Daddy, I want to put on my helmet," and I said, "Suck it up, kid. We don't wear helmets in this family; we're men. No, not on the sidewalk - get in the street."

Two Jewish women in New York, one says, "Do you see what's going on in Poland?" The other says "I live in the back, I don't see anything."

Dogs: the best friend you will ever have that pees on your couch and stays your friend.

What kind of super hero would you become if, at age 9, you saw both your parents get raped to death by lambs? Not the cool kind.