Comedy Quotes & Jokes / page 703

My parents said they had to make a lot of sacrifices to pay for my education... because they were both druids.

Smartness runs in my family. When I went to school I was so smart my teacher was in my class for five years.

I don’t want to be a mom. I could easily be a dad. I could lie on a couch and have my kid come up to me for the first time when they’re 5 years old and go, “Dad, can I go outside?”<br /> “I dunno, ask your mother.”<br /> That I can do. I’d be amazing at that.

A lollipop is a cross between hard candy and garbage.

Any boob can run a day-care centre but it takes a family to raise some kids and that's what we're going to be from now on, a family.

If I had blood, I'd blush.

“I’m in a relationship at the moment…sorry girls…it’s going to have to be your place.”

Some nights, alone, he thinks of her, and some nights, alone, she thinks of him. Some night these thoughts, separated by miles and time zones, occur at the same objective moment, and Ray and Mirabelle are connected without ever knowing it.

The only way I will do a sitcom is if it’s hurled at me, and I don’t have to work for it.

I taught Sunday School for two years. And I got fired. I abused my authority. I used to teach class like this, “OK, if one more person talks, everybody is going to Hell.”

Ladies and Gentleman let's play America's fastest growing sensation "Will It Float?"

I didn't know he was dead; I thought he was British.

I didn't see it coming, ... But Comedy Central wanted to do it and will air all 13 shows that we did. That's why I'm going out on this tour. If the show wasn't picked up, I would probably be flying off to a sporting event or something in October. I wanted to take a couple of years off, but that will have to wait because of the show and the tour.

I think you should, yeah. You should wash your beard, then shave it off, nail it to a Frisbee and fling it over a rainbow.

I think people are as individual as snowflakes, they kinda look alike but no two are the exactly the same, and all classification is the root of prejudice.