Comedy Quotes & Jokes / page 703

My friend asked me I ever swam with dolphins. I was like, ‘Yeah, of course. What distance are we talking about from the dolphins? Because the last time I was in the ocean, I’m pretty sure I swam with most of them.’

I like the night life, I like to boogy.

I was home alone watching George Bush speak on television. So it was just really the two of us. And as I listened to him, I realized, that one of us... was nuts! And for the first time ever, I went, 'Wow, it's not me!'

I was given two weeks to walk again, so I hooked up with a trainer, and he... had me walking. I'll never forget that, it was grueling.

If think the pig was terrified because he was fully aware that after segment he was going to be fed to Al Roker.

What are imitation rhinestones?

Dude on my flight is watching Men in Black 3, watching with no sound & pretending its a Hitch sequel bout Hitch trying hookup an alien.

Is the word brunette used anywhere outside of porn anymore?

If I could go back and talk to the "me" who was just starting to do comedy, I would have told myself to relax and not worry about things happening right away. That’s a mistake a lot of people make - they think a year is a long time and it’s really not.

Sometimes, when I'm feeling down because nothing seems to be going right, I like to take a home pregnancy test. Then I can say, 'Hey, at least I'm not pregnant.'

I have a couple of ‘doing caps’ in my wallet. That’s what I call condoms.

The best thing about me is there are no skeletons.

You might be a redneck if you think the Mountain Men in Deliverance were just "misunderstood".

I bought some Armageddon cheese today, and it said on the packet 'Best Before End...'

When I was a boy, I laid in my twin size bed, wondering where my brother was.