Comedy Quotes & Jokes / page 703
It's tough to stay married. My wife says no because she's tired then stays up and reads her book.
Attila the Hun, who said, "Sure, I pillage; it’s a living." Never got a dinner!
We wanted a name that was fun and different and something people would remember. Foundation board member Betty McCain suggested Winter Solstice, and we went with that.
Do you ever wake up in the morning, look in the mirror and think, something’s not accurate?
When you leave, you basically want to go eat, because I talk a lot about food in my act. So when you leave, you leave hungry.
A man is hit by a car while crossing a Beverly Hills street. A woman rushes to him and cradles his head in her lap, asking, Are you comfortable? The man answers, I make a nice living.
You know you're getting old when you buy a sexy sheer nightgown and don't know anyone who can see through it.
I don't get what is so cool about dating DJ's. That's like dating a valet because he drives a nice car.
Maid Marion, who said to Robin Hood, "I will not live in a house with a Little John." Never got a dinner!
Maybe the most uncomfortable moment of my life was when my dad gave me the sex talk. The old man was into some really crazy shit.