Comedy Quotes & Jokes / page 710

I bought a Christmas tree for twenty dollars. When I came home the next day, my wife was wearing it in her hair.

I don’t know if I’m the right person to be doing jokes about religion; in the past few months, I’ve become religious, I’ve started to believe in god, creationism and intelligent design, and the reason that I now believe in god and creationism and intelligent design is because of Professor Richard Dawkins. Because when I look at something as complex and intricate and beautiful as Professor Richard Dawkins, I don’t think that just could’ve evolved by chance! Professor Richard Dawkins was put there by god to test us, like fossils. And facts.

Comedy is obviously a matter of personal taste and the world always needs a clown and some people have no taste at all and any clown will do.

I think the most un-American thing you can say is, 'You can't say that.'

You know, some people say life is short and that you could get hit by a bus at any moment and that you have to live each day like it's your last. Bullshit. Life is long. You're probably not gonna get hit by a bus. And you're gonna have to live with the choices you make for the next fifty years.

I'm working on something a little different. It's a technique I call, 'tantric abstinence.' Now, the way this works is I meet a woman, I charm the heck out of her, and then right as she's considering sleeping with me, I say something so awkward that she leaves and I have to start over again with another woman entirely.

The New York Police Department says Iran has conducted surveillance inside New York City. They say Iranian operatives are using special mobile surveillance units. I believe they're called taxi cabs.

When you say 'Bedtime, bedtime, bedtime!' that's not what the child hears. What the child hears is 'Lie down in the dark... for hours... and don't move... I'm locking the door now.'

Nothing makes you feel better inside, male or female, than when someone who shouldn't have fucked you, did.

A hospital bed is a parked taxi with the meter running.

I really like to put my name on everything, so my roommate doesn't steal it. It's really a throwback to that.

I'll put an emoticon at the beginning of a text because I don't give a fuck.

I'm funnier now because I'm braver and less full of hate, so everything is even more ridiculous than it was before.

Procrastinate now, don't put it off.

Sometimes there's a tackiness about Route 66 that out-tacks any tackiness I've ever seen anywhere else. And the Meramec Caverns are the pinnacle of that tack.