Comedy Quotes & Jokes / page 710

I was coming down the street today with my girlfriend. This guy shouts out, 'Hey man, your girlfriend's a peach!' And I thought, 'Well, that's nice.' And then it turns out she has a really fuzzy face and a stem.

Give me the bottle, I’ll chug two thirds, ‘cause you bitches know fractions speak louder than words.

I really don't know what makes a comedian. I think it's a family background and environment. Yet if you put the same ingredients in another person, he may never utter a funny line.

I'm now a Doctor of Letters. Most of them Fs and Bs.

First of all, I came immediately, and also I started farting as I came. That's how my sex life started. Fucking shame and depression.

If I had never ventured beyond being a stand-up comic, then I would be sitting in my house today working on my Leonardo DiCaprio impression.

Happy Thanksgiving, everyone. I’m thankful for all of you. I am not thankful for the pilgrims. Buckles should never be on hats.

It was fun because, after shooting, Will and I would eat a jar of pickles and tell each other secrets. It was so much fun!

I am Zebedee, lord of the woods! Bow down snail, I have dominion!

I'm from such an old family, it's been condemned.

I kind of do it in my head, then I'll try pieces of it on stage and if it looks promising, I'll put it together.

Believe it or not, I've got a really bad metabolism. One burger and I'm done. I'm not a guy that puts away 10 burgers.

I have the greatest respect for your culture; I think you guys do it properly. You have your three or four kids and then you slow down so you can enjoy your late teens.

I keep a lighter in my back pocket all the time. I'm not a smoker, I just really like certain songs.

I want to perform an unnatural act.