Comedy Quotes & Jokes / page 718
Life is short. If you doubt me, ask a butterfly. Their average life span is a mere five to fourteen days.
The Christians gave Him Sunday, the Jews gave Him Saturday, and the Muslims gave Him Friday. God has a three-day weekend.
So by being offended you've sorta acknowledged that you are thick, and none of us are, so we're all back on speaking terms!
I survived my childhood by birthing many separate identities to stand in for one another in times of great stress and fear.
Goliath’s mother, who said to Goliath, "Stop running around with David! You're always coming home stoned!" Never got a dinner!
I think pretty soon people gonna be fuckin' for gas. I think people already fuckin' for gas. Some of y'all in here tonight are fuckin' for gas. Like 'Girl, why you with him?' He filled up my tank.
In my family, goodness is just badness before its had something to drink.
I can play recorder to grade level seven. Do you realize how little sexy time you get from playing Frere Jacques? Very little.
I'm at the age now where just putting my cigar in its holder is a thrill.
You might be a redneck if you’ve been married three times and still have the same in-laws.
I don't understand the sizes anymore. There's a size zero, which I didn't even know that they had. It must stand for: 'Ohhh my God, you're thin.'
King Henry VIII, who said to his lawyer, "Forget the alimony, I've got a better idea." Never got a dinner!
Comedy is like music; it builds on itself. Once someone comes up with a theory or a different way of doing things, people start to mimic it on some level. That’s why you go back to the guys you loved in the 80s… and it just seems tired now, because it was all foundation.