Comedy Quotes & Jokes / page 718
We don’t know anything about Scottish history. All we know is that an American guy painted his face blue and somehow they won.
A bunch of money-grubbin', greenhouse-gasing, seal-clubbing, oil-drilling, Bible-thumping, missile-firing, right-to-life-ing, lethal-injecting hypocrites. People whose idea of a good time is strapping a dead panda to a Lincoln Navigator and running over everybody in the gay parade.
I like to play chess with bald men in the park although it's hard to find 32 of them.
If I thought the Lord was speaking to me I'd check myself into Bellevue, and I think you should too.
If you sell things over the phone, the dream went awry somewhere, and you're working in a sweat box trying to make quota so you can buy some speed.
I see that no one, yet, is filming this on their cell phones. I appreciate that because that has become the new scourge of stand-up: people sitting there saying, 'I want to enjoy this, but now is not good for me. Later would be better -- later and smaller.'
The snake is 20 inches long and black so if we need someone to find it, call the Kardashians.
They say, if you want to know what a girl is going to look like, look at her mother, ya know. So I am so glad that I broke up with her, cuz uh, she would been uh, you know... dead.
Clint Eastwood doesn't moisturize! But Clint Eastwood needs to moisturize!
If you study something and you find all this stuff about it, you just went skin deep, so if you keep going and going, you should be left with a fucking mess of unanswered questions.