Comedy Quotes & Jokes / page 718

Save the Trees? Trees are the main cause of Forest Fires!

Man, you've gone from social drinker to alcoholic really quickly.

Nobody's good. I hate it. I truly hate it. I mean, there's a lot of guys doing stuff I admire, but stand-up-wise I feel very alone. I really miss Bill Hicks. I wish I could have put him on my show. And I really miss Sam Kinison a lot. Richard Pryor's sick... It's like you get here and then, oh wait a minute, there's nobody here any more. I feel like the guy who finally got into Studio 54, three years too late, "Duh, where are all the famous people?"

Ratings experts say the best way to get people to watch during sweeps is to leave the audience with a question that won’t be answered until the next time the show is on. You know, like "Who shot J.R.?" I like to think I do this every night - the question is, "Is this show still on?"

You might be a redneck if your underwear doubles as your bathing suit.

Sorry folks, I'm a little hyped up, I was smoking a big, fat bag of crack right before the show, ahhh!

Because I am a fuckin' genius... according to my gynecologist, who said "That clitoris is gigantic."

There is a video out now on how to please men. Here's tip number 1: Just show up!

A girl, you're 30 years old, you're not married - you're an old maid. A man, he's 90 years old, he's not married - he's a catch.

Some of the best dramatic actors have started in comedy.

I go "what is it?" And she goes "we're going on a shark feeding frenzy!" Okay, wait... we're in a boat looking down in the water? "No, that's the best part! We're in the water with the sharks!" And I go "have you lost your mind?"

That's the formaldehyde. That's why Granny's so well-preserved.

A woman in Buffalo set a new world record for eating 183 buffalo wings. I don’t think there will be a second date.

I’d like to have kids. I get those maternal feelings. Like when I’m laying on the couch and I can’t reach the remote control. It’s like, “Boy a kid would be nice right now.”

There's nothing sexier than a girl who's like, 'I know who FDR is, I know about the New Deal, I'm going to give you a new deal.' and then, over a period of years, she structures her sex acts in such a way that they save the economy.