Comedy Quotes & Jokes / page 717

It sure has been a pleasure for us to broadcast for the sailors and soldiers; besides, its part of the National Defence Program to prepare our boys for anything.

Rockefeller once explained the secret of success. 'Get up early, work late - and strike oil.'

America takes credit for giving you freedom that you had anyway. It's like going to a wedding and putting your tag on somebody elses box.

We would need less gun control if we had better birth control.

I ruined my hands in the ring… the referee kept stepping on them.

Every eight minutes, someone has sex with an animal... and you wonder why the attack you. Because of that man, and its up to me and a half mexican to stop him!

If God wanted us to bend over he'd put diamonds on the floor.

My greatest hero is Nelson Mandela. What a man, isn’t he? He’s an incredible man. Incarcerated for 25 years. He was released in 1990. He’s been out about 18 years now. And he hasn’t reoffended.

A child of five would understand this. Send someone to fetch a child of five.

A hospital bed is a parked taxi with the meter running.

I deal only in facts, that's why I'm a cocky fucking bastard.

When a doctor makes a mistake, it's best to bury the subject.

I never said I was funny, OK, so stop staring at me...

Why, I'd horse-whip you if I had a horse.

Women, stop buying the lingerie. Stop buying it right now. Oh, it's a big rip off. Oh my god, $18 bucks for panties this big? Come on, one trip through the dryer, and it's a frilly bookmark.