Comedy Quotes & Jokes / page 717

Three wishes - no substitutes, exchanges or refunds.

Joan Rivers telling Lauren Bacall her dress is all wrong is like Carrot Top telling Lenny Bruce he needs to get an edge.

Today, the L. A. Times accused Arnold Schwarzenegger of groping six women. I'm telling you, this guy is presidential material.

I'm almost 46. You become no longer even regarded in a sexual way. As you get older you're just taken out of that realm. So it's not anything that particularly confronts me very much at all.

A woman in Buffalo set a new world record for eating 183 buffalo wings. I don’t think there will be a second date.

Sleeping Beauty, who said to Prince Charming, "Are you sure all we did was kiss?" Never got a dinner!

It's easy to sit on a mountaintop and tell people what to do and how to be happy. I have chosen to do that. Not because it's easy, but for a different reason, which I would reveal, if your mind was ready to handle it, which it isn't, which is also very convenient for me.

Here’s the thing about people who believe in God: they’re fucking stupid.

If it weren’t for men, this planet would be overrun with giant spiders.

I did a club one night - the speakers were old as hell. My jokes were coming out in black and white.

I went into a McDonald's yesterday and said, "I'd like some fries." The girl at the counter said, "Would you like some fries with that?"

Television is the triumph of machine over people.

That guy is just a mess, like God spilled a person.

I believe in destiny. There must be a reason that I am as I am. There must be.

Women will do anything Oprah Winfrey says, and that is why we can't have women voting.